Previously: The rants and ramblings of a stubborn, sarcastic, opinionated, romantic cynic.
Now basically: Little snippets of my life with a preschooler and a school-aged kid.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Grade school anyone?
Does anyone else out there in blogland feel as though they're being tested every time they have to type in a word verification to comment on a blog? I recognize that it's an EASIER test than say trigonometry or history but I still feel a sense of pressure - of the possibility of failure.
And, if I may become vulnerable for a moment - I HAVE actually "failed" the test once or twice.
Lately I've been keeping this apartment quite cool. I've found over the last month or so Zoogy/Peanut has been doing a good job of warming my body. It's quite shocking to me as I'm normally rather cold (in body only, I hope).
Anyway, this has led to me wandering the apartment sans clothes (still too shy to say "naked") when I get up in the morning. That is, until I get altogether TOO cold (keep in mind, windows are open and it's fall here in Manitoba) at which point I decide it's time to have a bath to warm myself. And, you guessed it, I like my baths deliciously warm. Well, as you can imagine, once I climb out I'm so blinkin' hot that I don't relish the idea of putting clothes on...
And, the cycle continues.
Anyone have any words of advice?
And, secretly, aren't you getting a little jealous of my life of leisure? (I know, I know, it will all end soon enough.) Seriously, my brain is turning to mush and I've had less than a week of mat leave. Somebody help me! :-)
Don't worry, these should be the last ones you'll have to endure from me. Just a few photos compliments of my sister and my boy. Oh yeah, and the henna was from one of my dearest friends. What a lovely evening THAT was. (J-L wants to add: She did that all free hand. THAT'S what's impressive.)
I ran (in the waddling sense) to the grocery store at about 3 o'clock today. And, as I wandered the aisles and saw all the moms and the university students and retired people I was completely caught off guard. I am one of those people now. One of those people who can run to the grocery store at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I don't know this person. I don't know who she is and I don't know what things will make her happy anymore.
Just over 2 years ago so much was different. I'm not saying I was always happy because I wasn't and there were a lot of times I wondered "why not me?" Why don't I get to be a wife? Why don't I get to be a mom? Many times. But the one thing I can say is that I knew who I was. I'd spent 33 years trying to figure it out and I was comfortable and confident in that role.
I've lost my dad. I feel very often that I'm losing or have already lost my mom. I'm a wife. And, in a few short days or at least less than 3 weeks I'm going to be a mom.
And that's forever.
And that terrifies me.
Who is this person? Will I ever get the old Cynthia back? I know I can't have it all. I know I will have to make adjustments and some of them will be good ones and a lot of them will be hard. But can I at least have glimpses of the old Cynthia? Because honestly? I quite liked her most of the time.
I'm getting to that stage where I'm having trouble remembering what it's like NOT to be pregnant.
And, within a few months I'll probably be having trouble remembering completely what it was like BEING pregnant.
(Haven't been blogging much because I'm at home now and the chair we have at our computer is possibly the worst thing for my back these days. I'm hoping to rig something up tomorrow so that I can sit here for longer than 3 minutes at a time.)
I don't know if anyone is ever completely emotionally ready for having a baby but as of last night I think we are physically ready. That is, we have the first few things that we will need when the baby arrives:
- the crib is set up. Last night we even bought a new sheet for it. - nursing bras are purchased. - the change table is set up. - we have a few onesies. - stroller and car seat. check. - rocking chair is faithfully sitting in the corner of the nursery. - and lastly: We have diapers and wipes. Wow! WE HAVE DIAPERS AND WIPES. I actually lost count how many times J-L has come out of the nursery with a tiny diaper in his hand and a grin on his face.
It still could be weeks before the baby arrives but it does give me more peace of mind (and more than just a little panic too) that most things are in order for the first few days.
1. The word combination of "mood to mimic". I enjoyed writing it and I'm enjoying saying it in my head. 2. The sun shining in my office window. 3. That I just finished 2 big projects that made my morning nutty. 4. Lists. :-) 5. Only 4 days of work this week. 6. Three, count them, 3! wonderful Thanksgiving meals. 7. A phone call from my brother on Saturday. 8. My boy behind me and my niece in front of me with our arms around each other by a gigantic bonfire last night. 9. Lyrics like this: Less like breakdown, more like surrender... And I feel you here/And you're picking up the pieces/Forever faithful. 10. An organized desk. (This is kind of a pre-thankfulness - it's my afternoon goal.) 11. My baby starting his/her preparation for probably the biggest adventure in his/her life. 12. Wally - my hot water bottle. 13. Getting our change table set up. 14. Getting the last of my books on the new bookshelf. 15. A gift certificate prize my boy won that helped us afford new things for our new place. 16. Knowing that we have nothing major planned for the evening and may actually get some stuff up on the walls. 17. Swiss cheese sitting in my fridge for a snack later on tonight. 18. Sneaking a few moments here and there to read blogs. 19. The call forward option on my work phone. 20. My boy completely understanding when I've reached my limit emotionally and physically and letting me rest. 21. That I can STILL make it through a lot of nights without getting up to pee. 22. A haircut appointment for tonight! (finally!) 23. No stretch marks whatsoever. 24. A health spending account at my work that I'd forgotten about that I can use for a new pair of glasses. What a treat. 25. I gotta say it (even though you're tired of hearing it): 6.5 more days of work. 26. That the most annoying symptoms of this pregnancy (emotions/sore back/nausea) weren't an issue during our lovely trip to New York City this summer. 27. My family. 28. Glorious fall weather. 29. The feeling of our baby kicking me constantly. 30. Baths. Now more than ever. 31. That a few of my maternity clothes still fit me. 32. A lunch of good leftovers. 33. Granny smith apples. 34. Sarcasm and friends who know how to take it. 35. Red, purple and pink jelly beans. 36. My blue car. 37. Laughter. 38. Finding something mindless to do that even my tired brain can handle. 39. Independent movies. 40. 4 seasons. 41. My new bedside lamp (see #15). 42. GNF. 43. Email. 44. Pearls Before Swine - my favorite comic strip. 45. Coil bound notebooks. 46. Kitchen supply stores. 47. Not needing Tums as much as I did a couple of weeks ago. 48. Amazing friendships. 49. That I managed to deal with all 15 voicemails from this morning. 50. My good job which is also the reason I'm stopping now. I'd intended to go for 100 but I'd actually like to keep this job and the good reputation I have here.
1. Why oh why does my coworker insist on wearing that strong perfume? And, more importantly, why does she think it's appropriate to spray it on at her desk instead of going to the bathroom to do it?
2. This hot chocolate is delicious. I probably never should have tried it as now I'm going to want it every day and my child is not going to thank me for that.
3. We are getting new flooring in our kitchen and bathroom at this very moment. Cool! Never even knew that was going to happen.
4. Sometimes it's just lovely to hear this from the ob: "An active baby is good. It means that the baby is getting the nutrition and oxygen he/she needs." Aw, shucks.
5. One day I really should get my filing done. I'd HATE to be one of those people who leaves it for the new person.
6. Thank the good Lord above for second winds. I was beginning to think I'd just fall asleep at my desk after lunch.
7. Frick I'm in a good mood at the moment. Figured I should probably post that so that you know that I'm not ALWAYS depressed/grouchy/negative. I'm happy the day is nearly over and I'm happy it's a long weekend.
8. I hope I have enough energy to do some cooking and freezing of food this weekend. We've been getting quite lazy (blame some of it on the move) with our eating and cooking habits and I don't see that improving when Peanut comes along. It would be good to at least have some food in the freezer.
9. Someone I don't really like very much just did something REALLY nice for me and I'm sitting here both stunned and thinking I'd better change my opinion of said person.
10. In one hour I will be finished my last 5 day workweek for 52 weeks. Suweet!
(1) Under the My Vote heading: My vote is that next time we move I'm not 8 months pregnant. And that's all I'm going to say about THAT for now.
(2) Under the Aw, Shucks heading: My work parking payment was due at the end of September. It is paid annually. Obviously I don't want to pay for a full year of parking when I have less than a month left before I leave this place. I am, of course, willing (as I informed the parking lady this morning) to pay for the month of October. The lovely parking lady just told me that I could just continue to park there for the next month without paying. She would continue to mark the spot (in her records) as reserved. How lovely!