thursday thirteen: ramblings on heartbreak
1. It’s a whole lot easier to write about heartbreak when on the other side of it.
2. I suffered from prenatal depression. When I would say that to someone and they would say “oh yeah, I got emotional when I was pregnant too” it would completely wore me out and made me feel belittled. It would make me feel like shaking them and saying “THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING. IF YOU WOULD HAVE GONE THROUGH IT YOU’D KNOW!” Abby suffers from anxiety issues. I’ve talked about it with some people and read some stuff online and when I read stuff like “Does your child worry before a test?” or “Oh yeah, Bobby was scared of the dark too”. It makes me want to shake them and say “THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING. IF YOU WOULD HAVE GONE THROUGH IT YOU’D KNOW!” I know that’s not kind or fair and I know that I’ve done that to others… I hope I can stop it the next time I’m doing it and remember.
3. I find when I’m in the midst of the worst of it, reading sweet little quotes online makes me want to throw my computer through a window.
4. My car has seen many tears. Sometimes I think I should write a poem called “Ode to a ’95 Blue Ford Contour” and muse about the things we have been through together.
5. Those self-help articles online? A lot of them are very helpful when I’m sitting at my desk at lunch work reading them. Know when they’re NOT helpful? After spending an evening of dealing with it and then after she’s in bed, crying for several hours and then being awakened at 2 o’clock in the morning with more of it.
6. Know what else isn’t fun? Hearing someone tell an inappropriate (scary or too adult-like) story to or around my child knowing that I’ll have to “deal with it” later.
7. I can’t imagine being a single parent.
8. Finally coming to a decision that she needs more help than we can give her is both exhausting and terrifying.
9. Hearing “there’s a 6 to 8 month waiting list” after making a phone call to get said help lends itself to further heartbreak.
10. Hearing someone on the end of the line tell you that she’s going to try and help your child during school hours brings on tears of a different sort.
11. Finding out that the person in #8 had a child with very similar issues helps me exhale for the first time in several weeks.
12. Later seeing my daughter colour a picture in a colouring book for the person in #10 and #11 after meeting with her brings a glimmer of hope when none had been there for weeks.
13. Doing something fun and slightly mischievous to bring a smile back to a girl’s face and then later finding out she’d confessed said item to person in #10 and #11 as WELL as the principal at her school in tears? Sigh.
This is something my sweet, far-too-grown-up little girl is going to deal with the rest of her life. There is no quick fix. There is no kissing it to make it all better. I’m just praying we can figure out the best way to help her and eventually be able to give her the tools she needs to work through this as she grows.
Like I said to J-L: I think Jack will enjoy being a kid and Abby will enjoy being an adult more.