Monday, September 12, 2005

Well, I needed that

I've been thinking about writing a long-winded post on here about my pregnancy just to be able to work through some of it. I often find putting thoughts on paper (or computer?) therapeutic. But, some of this is just so very personal and painful that I'm just not sure it's something I want to share with just anyone. I'll keep thinking about it but for now, something more positive. Yes, it's still partially about pregnancy but a slightly more positive spin.

Sunday was another rough day for me. I felt sick (yup, the nausea is back - gosh darnit how I missed it) and very tired. And, I felt as though I was barely hanging on by a thread emotionally. I wasn't exactly sure why I even went to church.

But, I know now.

It wasn't for the "message" although my sister did a good job of speaking and leading a panel discussion. It wasn't for the music or songs although that was really good too. Nope, it was for the coffee time afterwards. Just another reminder of how blessed I am to be in the church that I'm in. Three (count them, THREE) women took the time out to come talk to me and share with me how much their pregnancies sucked. I've been feeling so very alone so often in this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I have probably the world's most supportive, helpful and loving husband. But, it just seemed every woman I talked to had had so few negative things with their pregnancies that I was feeling that either I'm a big whiner or that I'm the exception to every rule about pregnancy. And I just can't seem to avoid the guilt. HOW can I hate this time so much when I've got a baby growing inside of me? When there are so many women out there who would give their left arms (right arms, boobs, legs et al.) to be able to be pregnant? But, for those brief moments on Sunday those feelings slid away. I felt blessed and I felt loved and I didn't feel alone.

Four other really pleasant moments of hope/blessing/support from the past few days:

1) A wonderfully supportive email from my sister that made me cry.
2) A long conversation with a close friend on Saturday who may never have been pregnant but knows about depression and would never roll her eyes or just say "it's simply hormonal" when I discussed my "fear" that I was suffering from prenatal depression.
3) A homemade quilt given to me by "Oma" (not really my Oma or my child's Oma but rather the resident Oma in our church) for our Peanut. Both her and her husband were so cute and tickled in giving the gift and as I'm quite fond of homemade gifts I was quite tickled as well.
4) My husband just stopped by my work to bring me a hot water bottle for my back. Just one small sign of his love for me. (Last week he came by with flowers one day and one of my favorite candies on another day.)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

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2:08 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Okay, now I'M choked up and I don't even have pregnancy hormones as an excuse!

Glad you're finding support here and there, but really REALLY wish it could be better for you.

6:45 PM  
Blogger Linda said...

When I was pregnant with #4 I was miserable. I weighed over 200 pounds and felt tired and crabby all the time. What was worse was that I had a baby (Tim was only 18 months old when Kristen was born) and I couldn't really cuddle him close because of my big, fat, hard belly. Oh the guilt! I also felt guilty complaining because I was working with a woman who had been trying to get pregnant for 10 years. I think I have an idea how you feel. Hang in there my dear. You WILL get through this. Be nice to yourself.

10:35 PM  
Blogger ccap said...

Yeah, Linda, I keep wondering too how I'll "survive" number 2 with a toddler who needs full-time energy. But, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

8:22 AM  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

Well, I think I've shared with you how I grumbled and complained pretty much through my entire pregnancy. I really disliked being pregnant -- a comment that raises eyebrows just about every time I say it around the other moms.

The good news is after you have the baby you don't feel guilty about not enjoying the pregnancy. The bad news is you have a million other things to feel guilty about (motherhood is fraught with guilt! argh!).

Hang in there! Some days you just have to give yourself permission to NOT "count your blessings one by one"!

1:24 PM  

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