Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Scattered

In 2 months I go back to work.
In 2 months I go back to work.
In 2 months I go back to work.

My brain feels like Bart Simpson writing and rewriting that phrase. Oh buzzing, busy brain. Please rest from your worry. So much to think about. So much to process. So many changes at my job that have left me with nagging doubts about going back. What does it all mean for me? Do I stay? Do I go? Do I look elsewhere?

Buzzing.
Busy.
Active.
Nonstop.

Of the four parts of a Myers-Briggs personality type the one I am the strongest in is "T". Forever "T". Constantly thinking. Constantly processing. Constantly analyzing. It's hard to turn it off - especially at a time like this. It's hard to hold conversations with all the noise in my brain. It's hard to verbalize what flits by from one moment to the next.

But then, for brief moments I do turn into an "F". A giant, mushy feeler that touches her daughter's hair as she sleeps and agonizes at the thought of leaving her with someone else for the daytime hours.

And now with the tears. So I head to bed with the "T" and the "F" fighting inside me.

Weeping, exhausted, overworked brain.

7 Comments:

Blogger The very nice man said...

OK! Here is a "sign" if you need one (like in: "Oooh, I know! Whoever comments on my blog first with a suggestion, that's the one I'm gonna go with!").

If you are a single parent, then you might not have a choice but need to go and earn funds to provide for your little ones. If that is so, then enlist the help of any friends and family to help you in this transition time. Even if a friend just does a dinner for you and the tods so you can spend time with the kids instead of entering the kitchen.
People quite like to be useful and like to be asked.

If you however have a partner then
stay home with your beautiful daughter (this time will never come back) and your "F" and spend glorious time with her, making memories.
We had to make the same decision and opted for the "F" and my wife stayed home. Less money, less social life, less ... BUT ... we made things fit, we stuck close together, my wife enjoyed our daughter growing up and she has turned into a beautiful (inside & out) person.
Otherwise you only go out to earn money to pay someone to look after YOUR child!
"T" in that case would stand for "Totally nuts!".

I don't even kno why I am telling you all these things. I guess it's because when I met my wife she was a single parent with 3 kids and I just think that women get a raw deal at times.
Just ignore me.

7:17 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I know your pain. I can still conjure the memory of it quite easily. Sorry.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Raehan said...

Ah, it's hard. Just be gentle with yourself and take time to listen to your two voices.

11:47 AM  
Blogger Accidental Poet said...

I love you.

1:22 PM  
Blogger Sandra White said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:28 PM  
Blogger Linda said...

Parenting is the most fun and the hardest thing ever. But one thing I know about Abby is that she knows she is loved by her parents, family and an amazing community of people. She will survive and thrive wherever you take her and she will develop into the person that God created her to be.

10:00 AM  
Anonymous sis said...

Just saw this, post, a little late. This is a hard one. I'll go back to teaching in January, and right now I'm working on finding a daytime babysitter several times a week for the fall. It's very hard to imagine putting him in someone else's hands, especially when he's discovering so much every day -- I don't want to miss it. But I love my work as well. As my sister said above, listen to your voices and you'll find what's right for you.

9:04 PM  

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