Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Seriously, if I'm to be any good at EITHER of these roles I have to develop a thicker skin

I just got home from picking up my sick child. And I cried all the way there and all the way home. Why? Because I feel HORRIBLE that I sent my child to daycare when I KNEW that she was sick. And also, because I feel horrible that I had to leave work early two days in a row. Seriously, I suck at being an employee AND at being a mother. And I don't know what to do about it. I know, I know, I should just rush home and not care in the least about my place of employment. But, know what? I do care. I want to be an employee. I also want to be a mother. AND, I want to be good at both of them. But I'm not. And I just worry far too much about what others think. It's unhealthy and I need to stop. But I don't know how.

I worry about my daycare lady. I worry that she thinks my daughter is not important enough to me and how dare I leave her with a bed that's been pooped in.

I worry about my friends and family. I worry that they look down on me because I go to work when I should be staying home with my daughter and be happy in that role.

I worry about my coworkers. (I'm the only one at my place of employment that has young children who does not have a close/convenient back-up plan (ie. stay-at-home wife, parents etc.)) I worry they all think I'm slacking as the new girl.

I worry about the other parents at the daycare. I worry that they think I'm horrid for possibly infecting their children.

I worry about my mom and my in-laws and how they must be astonished that I would ever question staying home when my child is sick.

I worry that my boss is questioning why he hired me if I need to run off and be with my daughter.

I worry that my daughter will one day look back on this (not this exact time, thankfully, she won't remember that far back) and wonder why I didn't just automatically put her first.

It all just seems so completely overwhelming and tragic to me right now. And I feel weighted down and at some point I need to stop crying so that I can at least take care of my daughter.

The comments are off on this one. I just don't know that I can take any advice or soothing words right now. If you feel a need to contact me you'll have to find some other way.