Changes
I ran (in the waddling sense) to the grocery store at about 3 o'clock today. And, as I wandered the aisles and saw all the moms and the university students and retired people I was completely caught off guard. I am one of those people now. One of those people who can run to the grocery store at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I don't know this person. I don't know who she is and I don't know what things will make her happy anymore.
Just over 2 years ago so much was different. I'm not saying I was always happy because I wasn't and there were a lot of times I wondered "why not me?" Why don't I get to be a wife? Why don't I get to be a mom? Many times. But the one thing I can say is that I knew who I was. I'd spent 33 years trying to figure it out and I was comfortable and confident in that role.
And now.
I've lost my dad.
I feel very often that I'm losing or have already lost my mom.
I'm a wife.
And, in a few short days or at least less than 3 weeks I'm going to be a mom.
And that's forever.
And that terrifies me.
terrifies me.
TERRIFIES ME.
Who is this person? Will I ever get the old Cynthia back? I know I can't have it all. I know I will have to make adjustments and some of them will be good ones and a lot of them will be hard. But can I at least have glimpses of the old Cynthia? Because honestly? I quite liked her most of the time.
Just over 2 years ago so much was different. I'm not saying I was always happy because I wasn't and there were a lot of times I wondered "why not me?" Why don't I get to be a wife? Why don't I get to be a mom? Many times. But the one thing I can say is that I knew who I was. I'd spent 33 years trying to figure it out and I was comfortable and confident in that role.
And now.
I've lost my dad.
I feel very often that I'm losing or have already lost my mom.
I'm a wife.
And, in a few short days or at least less than 3 weeks I'm going to be a mom.
And that's forever.
And that terrifies me.
terrifies me.
TERRIFIES ME.
Who is this person? Will I ever get the old Cynthia back? I know I can't have it all. I know I will have to make adjustments and some of them will be good ones and a lot of them will be hard. But can I at least have glimpses of the old Cynthia? Because honestly? I quite liked her most of the time.
posted by ccap at 5:10 PM
3 Comments:
yep you'll get her back but she'll be getting less sleep and more sex :)
I gotta admit - it takes awhile. Every once in awhile, now, ten years later, when the kids are beginning to need me less, I see glimpses of myself I almost forgot about.
That's not to say the in between stuff isn't great too - just different.
mmm... exactly what heather said, and my kids are even older. mostly i quite like it (the getting older part), but i liked the other way too...
and you really ARE still cynthia except you'll be lactating.
Post a Comment
<< Home