Monday, October 24, 2005

Changes

I ran (in the waddling sense) to the grocery store at about 3 o'clock today. And, as I wandered the aisles and saw all the moms and the university students and retired people I was completely caught off guard. I am one of those people now. One of those people who can run to the grocery store at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I don't know this person. I don't know who she is and I don't know what things will make her happy anymore.

Just over 2 years ago so much was different. I'm not saying I was always happy because I wasn't and there were a lot of times I wondered "why not me?" Why don't I get to be a wife? Why don't I get to be a mom? Many times. But the one thing I can say is that I knew who I was. I'd spent 33 years trying to figure it out and I was comfortable and confident in that role.

And now.

I've lost my dad.
I feel very often that I'm losing or have already lost my mom.
I'm a wife.
And, in a few short days or at least less than 3 weeks I'm going to be a mom.

And that's forever.

And that terrifies me.

terrifies me.

TERRIFIES ME.

Who is this person? Will I ever get the old Cynthia back? I know I can't have it all. I know I will have to make adjustments and some of them will be good ones and a lot of them will be hard. But can I at least have glimpses of the old Cynthia? Because honestly? I quite liked her most of the time.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

yep you'll get her back but she'll be getting less sleep and more sex :)

5:30 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I gotta admit - it takes awhile. Every once in awhile, now, ten years later, when the kids are beginning to need me less, I see glimpses of myself I almost forgot about.

That's not to say the in between stuff isn't great too - just different.

6:39 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

mmm... exactly what heather said, and my kids are even older. mostly i quite like it (the getting older part), but i liked the other way too...

and you really ARE still cynthia except you'll be lactating.

9:59 PM  

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