Unprepared
I was prepared for missing her during the day.
I was prepared for the fact that I would want to (and do) look at her photo hundreds of times during the day.
I think I knew that it would be sad and overwhelming to me thinking of her in someone else's care. And that sometimes I would have to shut that part of my brain off during the day or I'd be in tears for most of it.
I knew that the drive to pick her up would feel too long and that there would be a spring in my step as I crossed the street to the sitter's house.
I knew that the transition would be a struggle for all of us. And that there would be tears and whining.
But I was not prepared for the smell. I was not prepared to cuddle her at the end of the day and to have her smell unfamiliar. To sink my face into her neck as we hug and to be greeted by another scent. Of another woman. Another home.
I was prepared for the fact that I would want to (and do) look at her photo hundreds of times during the day.
I think I knew that it would be sad and overwhelming to me thinking of her in someone else's care. And that sometimes I would have to shut that part of my brain off during the day or I'd be in tears for most of it.
I knew that the drive to pick her up would feel too long and that there would be a spring in my step as I crossed the street to the sitter's house.
I knew that the transition would be a struggle for all of us. And that there would be tears and whining.
But I was not prepared for the smell. I was not prepared to cuddle her at the end of the day and to have her smell unfamiliar. To sink my face into her neck as we hug and to be greeted by another scent. Of another woman. Another home.
posted by ccap at 8:17 AM
4 Comments:
I remember so vividly the first time Joey smelled like someone else. It's a feeling I couldn't describe.
Oh man. I totally remember that. I don't think I ever articulated it, but when you mention it the memory comes flooding back.
I always felt that another person's smell meant that my baby was being loved and cuddled by someone else. I never minded too much.
I'm not quite sure what to say... sometimes I wish there wasn't pain mixed in with the joy.
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