It's nearly done

Well, here it is, my first official evening of Nothing To Do for a long time. Ahh. And I sit here at work and look forward to it tremendously. I know it can't live up to my expectations because in the final end I am someone who looks forward to having stuff to do. But, as I sit here at my desk and think longingly about an evening with nothing planned it seems downright blissful. To sit at home. To channel surf. To a warm, leisurely bath. To a glass of wine with my husband. It's nice to dream. I know it won't be thus as we will need to run out for groceries and I will get cold and I won't be able to think of anything to eat for supper. And I will get sleepy by 9 pm. And there will be nothing to watch on the telly.

But, right now I just want to think about crawling under the covers and relaxing.

Weddings

Yesterday was Leanne's wedding. My first wedding photography job that was a recommendation and not a friend. Woohoo! I so love doing wedding photography. I really hope to do more in my lifetime. I wonder sometimes if I should look into doing it on a part-time basis. I feel blessed to be there as a part of one of the most special days of their lives.

And I cried. I nearly always tear up at weddings now when I see the father walking his daughter down the aisle. There is nothing I can do about it and I recognize that my wedding was beautiful but it still makes me a tiny bit jealous when I see that.

But then, more than that, they had the nerve to play Butterfly Kisses for the father/daughter dance. And while I recognize completely that I never would have had a father/daughter dance the song still brought me to tears. I think partially because I wasn't prepared for it. Completely caught me by surprise. Very sappy song that in no way is representative of my relationship with my dad but that didn't even seem to matter.

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's Daddy's little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all for..

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk beside the pony Daddy, it's my first ride
I know the cake looks funny Daddy but I sure tried
"Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning and butterfly kisses at night

Sweet sixteen today
And she's lookin' like her mamma a little more every day
One part woman, the other part girl
To perfume and make-up, from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair
You know how much I love you Daddy
But if you don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night

Oh the precious times
Oh, like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly

She'll change her name today
And she'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the bride room just staring at her
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl"
And she leaned over...and gave me...

Butterfly kisses with her mamma there
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle Daddy, it's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy? Daddy don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve a her love every morning and butterfly kisses

I couldn't ask God for more
Man, this is what love is
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses

More on Christmas

Back from coffee.

I probably won't remember all my gifts but I do like to record them for future reference.

Marja: Shout out Movies and a bag full of food goodies like a korma sauce and a cranberry mustard sauce and the likes.

Corrie: 4 Paris glasses; the framed Sara Groves lyrics.

Pam: The latest Jann Arden book: I'll tell you one damn thing and that's all I know and a couple of jars of raisin curry rice.

Brad: A copy of The Golden Age of Comedy.

Sue: A page-per-day calendar of Shakespeare's insults.

Dwight & Lorna: A food hamper. :-) Some broccoli with the Kraft three cheese ranch dressing; pickles and ice cream.

Wendy: A large popcorn bowl with popcorn seasonings.

My boy: More with Less cookbook; a Close to Home page-per-day calendar; a hand blender and the game Scene It.

Joyska: Yvonne Parks' cd where Joyska sings back-up.

Work: The gift *I* bought. Tee hee. Best of Bridge cookbook.

Christmas

Here I am, back at work. The Christmas season nearly a memory. It was a good Christmas. Better than a lot I've had. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm no longer the odd one out. At least when it comes to family that's part of it. I'm going to try and think of a few highlights to note:

- December 23rd was Christmas with Corrie, Pam and Marja. Ahh. Just typing that brings a smile to my face. Lots of chatting and lots of laughs. A good supper and wonderful presents.

- December 25th: Corrie gave me a framed copy of the Sara Groves' lyrics for "Less Like Scars". And I cried. And I could still cry now just thinking about it. What a wonderful friend. I will miss her as she's off for India now for over a month. It's amazing how life is. 2 years ago that song made me weep my way home from Christmas. And now it still makes me weep but more in remembering.

Okay, I gotta run. L. and E. want to have coffee for a bit so I think I'll join them. I'll type more later.

Turning 35 tomorrow

It occurred to me last night as I was trying to fall asleep that if I died the same age that Dad was when he died I'd be middle aged right now. Just an odd thought and I think it's good that we don't know that ahead of time or it would be more than just a little depressing.

J-L asked me if I was worried about it (turning 35). Frankly, not at all. I think 35 is a nice number. I feel good about 35. Perhaps if I were still single it would seem ominous but not the way things are right now. Old but not TOO old.

And now it starts

Technically, I shouldn't get my period for another 4 days. And yet, I am already starting to prepare myself for it. The emotions of it arriving again. Like I said in an earlier entry, it saddens me to get it but I think it will terrify me NOT to get it.

Hopefully it won't ruin my Christmas season if I DO get it.

Nearly Christmas

Two items of good news that are nearly getting me out of the blues that it is 2 days before Christmas and I'm STILL stupidly busy at work:

1) We heard back from Cuba! That's right, the whole country. Well, okay, not quite but at this moment I can't quite remember the name of the place so hence "Cuba". Sounds intriguing and I think we are now definitely considering going. Yay! A trip to look forward to. Ahh.

2) I PASSED THE EXAM! And yes, that was indeed worthy of exclamation marks and capital letters! I really can't believe it. I honestly wonder if they didn't see me leaving in tears and felt sorry for me and felt I needed the boost of a passing mark.

Poetry

To Die in Socks
by Peter Zilahy

to die in socks
because the floor is cold
to snuggle into lukewarm
ankle socks
to end there
‘tis a consummation
devoutly to be wished
because shoes are a prison
and there's too little time
to change into slippers
but to die in socks
feels so at home
to wake at dawn
start pulling them up
and die in the midst
of the familiar motion
to say - Gee, I'm dying now
in socks
and to step out
as if for a glass of water
from here on death
and not to sob

Sigh

Some days I wonder what it would feel like to be caught up at work.

J-L was in Red Lake last night. It's amazing to me how hard it is to fall asleep without him there. I mean, seriously, I slept alone for nearly 20 years you'd think I'd be used to it. Of course, it didn't help that last night I was chilled to the bone.

Memories

Had two pleasant childhood memories this morning:

- Hiding in that slanted closet with all the blankets with Heather, giggling when Mom came in the house thinking she wouldn't be able to find us.

- Laying on a square bale with Dwight (back when we only HAD square bales), taking a break from doing chores so that we could stare at the most amazing northern lights I think I have ever seen.

My Life

I have stood under the sweeping sails of the Sydney opera house.

I have sat in an outdoor café in Venice, my sister by my side, gazing on the Grand Canal.

I have known love – from a niece that lay on my chest to sleep to a mother who rocked me and sang sad songs to me to a man whose face lights up when I walk in the room.

I know what it feels like to have a koala wrap its arms around me.

I have known loneliness – to be in another country with limited phone capabilities and no one on the same continent who knew my name let alone what makes me smile or weep.

I have known pain – lying in bed crying, screaming and praying intermittently while a kidney stone seemingly consumes my body.

I have known heartbreak – sleeping in my father’s scent the night of his death.

To feel content I need to visit a new part of the world at least once a year.

One day I want to know what the trees smell like in Brazil.

One day I want to know what it feels like to have my baby’s breath on my bosom.

I am loyal to my friends and consider myself blessed and lucky to have them in my corner.

I was perfectly content as a single person and now I am blissfully content as a couple.

I really don’t like clothing shopping. But, get me in a book store, card store or kitchen supply store and I can happily wander.

I don’t like cantaloupe.

New experiences thrill me.

I want to and choose to question everything. I don’t necessarily do this to be seen as a cynic or skeptic but rather to learn more and be open to new ideas which may vary from mine considerably.

I love to cook. I don’t love baking. I love to cook something that I know well and know tastes delicious but I also love to cook new and interesting things that contain unusual ingredients.

I love words. I love to read and reread well-formed thoughts and sentences. I often read things and wish I could write eloquently.

I strive to be a minimalist. I know that I haven’t achieved it and that I will probably never achieve it but I am trying. I don’t want to raise children who want more and more stuff. I want to raise children who have an appreciation for how excessive our country is.

Frenzy

My life has felt very frenzied this week. Well, not so much my home life but my work life. Monday and Tuesday morning taken up with studying. Studying, studying and more studying. Gosh I was sick of it by Tuesday at lunch.

And then came the exam... Wow. I varied from wanting to burst into tears to feeling the need to burst out laughing to not giving a hoot. But, I did leave in tears. It felt like I'd studied all the wrong things. I felt like the author of the exam had read a different book from me. I was so angry and frustrated. I gave up so much of my personal time for something where I'll most likely fail. And then there's the whole pride thing. I've never failed anything in my life! Horrid. All of those things combined helped me make the decision never to take another one of those exams again in my life. If B. expects me to (and I've already told him this) I will begin looking for another job. I work hard here. Harder than a lot. I give M. a minimum of 2 hours overtime a week. That should be good enough. Plus, it's not like the exam has any impact on my job or how well I do it.

As for the rest of the week: It's been a mad attempt to try to catch up. "Attempt" is the word here; I'm not even remotely CLOSE to catching up.

But, now it's on to the weekend. Ahh. I think we might put up our Christmas tree this weekend. Yay!