Monday, January 31, 2005

The Teenager

There she sits.
Surrounded by friends and yet so alone.
The friends laugh and she laughs.
She must always laugh.

The clothes are too tight for her body type.
But she must wear them.

Her hair is better suited for another style.
But she must keep it.

I ache for her.
I long to walk over to her and tell her that one day it will be okay.
One day she will wear what she likes.
One day she will not laugh if it doesn't strike her as funny.
One day she will know who she is.
And she will be more comfortable with that person than with the clone of others that she is now.

But for now she sits.
Wearing doubt on her shoulders.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Thursday Nights

For the past 4 years I have been hosting a get-together at my house on Thursday nights. The purpose of this get-together is to watch Survivor. But, it is so much more than that. Initially it started out with two of my best girlfriends and I getting together. It has ebbed and flowed and now we have up to 11 people crammed into our not very large living room.

And I love it.

It starts long before the evening. At some point in the days proceeding it I will make a decision about what we are having for dinner. This is one of my favorite parts as I love to cook. J-L often makes a suggestion to simplify things or ways of getting people to bring their own supper. He will learn. It gets tricky at times because I try to please fussy eaters and it's hard to know how much to cook when the numbers can change from week to week.

But still I love it.

Once dinner is decided I need to do the requisite grocery shopping and prep work. Some days due to lack of time this has to start on Wednesday night. The few hours of time before guests begin arriving are filled with cutting, frying, boiling, cleaning and a multitude of scents. Thankfully, I now have a husband that very willingly helps out and hosts the event with me.

It's nearing 7 pm and the anticipation begins. When will the annoying door buzzer sound? Who will be the first to arrive? Who will not come and be missed? Will I get the food done in time? Get the plates out! Get the ice into a bowl! Darn it, I forgot to put a coke in the fridge. "J-L, can you cut up the bread?" "Hey, Eric! Come on in, make yourself at home, dinner will be ready shortly." And I rush, and I scurry but thus far I've been able to get food out and be in my chair shortly after 7.

And we settle in for an evening of comfort.

Comfortable chairs.
Comfort food.
Comfortable conversation.

It has become so much more than Survivor. In fact, we're often doing it even when Survivor isn't on. It has become a community.

And I love it.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


There are certain sounds that affect me and cravings I might have. I don't need or want chips. And yet, someone sitting close to me is eating chips right now. Lord have mercy! The sound of her crunching down on chip after chip is causing a palpable reaction in my body. I can nearly taste the sharpness of salt and vinegar on my tongue.

Another one that comes to mind: The sound of someone cracking back the tab of a pop can. Especially on a hot summer day. It's the sound the does it for me, not the taste. Coca-cola does a good job using that sound in their ads. That pop, that hiss.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Hanging out in my brother's hockey outfit

Can I go home yet?

I feel like crap today. I feel like whining so damn it, I'm going to! I have my period and have the cramps and bloating that go with it. Plus, I have my period so I'm more than a little pissed off as I was quite sure this was the month. And it seems that I came down with a cold last night. Harumph! Completely stuffed up and a dripping nose. Basically, nobody better mess with me today or I'll either yell at them or burst into tears.

Oh yeah, and yet ANOTHER person in my life is pregnant without "trying".

And, the pastor from Cuba is not getting back to us so I'm seeing that trip possibly fade away into nothingness.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Come on, EVERYBODY'S doing it!

100 Things About Me

1. I hate long nails. I don’t necessarily hate well kept long nails on other people but on myself I hate them. They just seem to get in the way too much.

2. I am proud to be a farm girl. I don’t want to be seen as a hillbilly but I am very happy to report that I have driven a tractor, pulled a calf out of its mother, know that chasing a pig is more difficult than chasing a cow and can tell the difference between wheat and oats.

3. I was born on December 25th. I like being unique that way but I weary of telling people that and hearing them respond: “Hey, that’s Christmas!”

4. I do not naturally trust people. It takes me awhile and I tend to be quite guarded with most people. But, once trust is gained I am a very loyal person.

5. Music calms me. I can change my mood just based on the type of music played. Ideally though, if given a choice, I would only listen to music with well-written lyrics. Possibly this is because I’m not much of a dancer. Who needs a good beat if you’re not going to dance to it?

6. I am a good problem solver. Both at work and in day-to-day living.

7. I don’t enjoy driving very much but I do love traveling so I’m happiest if I’m on a trip with someone who loves to drive.

8. I believe in God and can’t imagine not believing in God. Even if I found out that there is a 99.9% chance that there isn’t a God I think I would probably still choose to believe for comfort if nothing else.

9. I was married on June 26, 2004 to a man that makes me laugh and is possibly the kindest man I’ve ever met.

10. I need sleep. I love sleep. I’m not sure how I’m going to manage if I ever have a child that does not sleep well at night. Based on my husband’s kindness and the fact that he can survive on limited sleep I’m hoping we can survive that stage.

11. I am the youngest. I have 3 siblings, two older brothers and an older sister. I have no intentions of having 4 children and yet I still believe that 2 boys and 2 girls makes up the ideal family.

12. I have no idea how my mother did it. She raised all 4 of us (well). She had a massive garden, a busy farmer-husband whom she helped, baked all her own bread and buns, kept a clean house, canned and froze enough vegetables and pickles for us for the winter months… And I have no vivid memories of us eating scrambled eggs or cereal for lunch because Mom was too lazy (or couldn’t think of anything) to cook. All that and she still found time to read to us and play with us.

13. I’m not a phone person.

14. If I chew gum I tend to swallow it without thinking and so I rarely chew gum.

15. I usually walk quite quickly. I often have to stop myself to let others catch up.

16. I won 3rd place in a spelling bee (behind Audrey and Graham) in elementary school. I went out on the word omelet. I think of it every time I have to spell that word.

17. There is almost always music playing in the car when I’m driving.

18. A boy called me a bitch in grade one. I had no idea what it meant but I knew it was bad and so kicked him in the head and bent his glasses. At recess I quietly looked the word up in the dictionary and was still rather confused by its definition.

19. I like pineapple on my pizza but not ham.

20. I am annoyed when people use a lot of exclamation points when one will do.

21. I joined 4H as a kid, sucked dreadfully at the interior design course I was a part of and my mom let me quit. I’m kind of surprised now looking back that she let me quit.

22. I love herbs. I love the smell and look of them and I love to cook with them. Especially fresh ones.

23. I do not tend to get motion-sick. I am quite proud of the fact that I was once on a boat (on rough seas) off the coast of Australia with 17 other people and I was the only person not getting queasy.

24. When I put cds or dvds back into their cases, I then rotate them so that the writing is the right way up before I close the case.

25. I hate not wearing a watch because I like to know what the time is at any given moment.

26. I am proud to have 2 middle names.

27. I am very sensitive to scents.

28. A girlfriend and I pierced our own ears in grade 5.

29. I don’t like carnations.

30. I prefer silver to gold.

31. I am a sucker for romance and yet very cynical of it at the same time.

32. I rarely bother wearing jewelry or makeup.

33. I rarely miss an opportunity to share my opinion. I know at times I seem far too opinionated and that this annoys people so I do try to hold my tongue on occasion.

34. I have always had a hard time spelling the word “occasion” and yet I still continue to use it.

35. I prefer meals when there is more than one type of food on a plate.

36. I broke my right elbow by slipping on ice when I was in grade 9.

37. I routinely judge books by their covers. If the author’s name is embossed, shiny or larger than the title I will nearly always dismiss the book.

38. Most of the time I have painted toenails but I rarely have painted fingernails.

39. I am almost always cold even when others are warm. I think my internal thermometer is off though as I’ll often complain about being cold and my husband will touch me or cuddle me and say that I’m actually quite warm.

40. The word “cuddling” actually annoys me but the activity of cuddling pleases me.

41. I am a Christian but in a complicated, non-fundamentalist, constantly questioning and changing way.

42. Fundamentalists astonish/scare me.

43. I am not good at remembering peoples’ names, birthdays or anniversaries but I do have a good memory for useless trivia.

44. I like coffee but I’m not a coffeeaholic nor am I particularly fussy about my brew as long as it's not too strong.

45. One of my biggest fears is being half asleep while running my bath, slipping and knocking out my front teeth.

46. I have an intense desire to drive across the country entirely alone.

47. I don’t like amusement parks. Too noisy, too many people.

48. Clutter irritates me. This is not to say I don’t have any clutter in my life.

49. I would like to have a big, thick silver thumb ring.

50. I can’t stand the sound of other people flossing their teeth.

51. I don’t sweat very much.

52. I despise dusting but enjoy most other housecleaning chores.

53. I prefer dresses and skirts to pants.

54. I am generally easy to please and find amusement in much that surrounds me.

55. I do not hold grudges but I will remain wary.

56. The personality trait I value most is integrity.

57. The sight of a dog licking someone’s face makes me cringe.

58. I prefer seeing movies in a theatre rather than on video.

59. I detest poor spelling and grammar.

60. When I have something to eat or drink at my desk (whether it be a yogurt, banana or even a takeout cup of hot chocolate) I have to throw the remains in a garbage other than mine or the smell will drive me crazy all day. (see #27)

61. I love shopping in office supply stores. School supplies are therapeutic for me.

62. I am often shy in large groups of strangers, sometimes misinterpreted as standoffishness.

63. I can have pickles in my fridge indefinitely and never think to eat them but if I’m at someone’s house and they serve pickles I am delighted and can barely stop eating them.

64. Tags on shirts, sweaters, blouses etc. make me nuts and I cut them off most of the time.

65. I don’t get hurt feelings very easily and I think as a result I hurt peoples' feelings on occasion without even knowing it.

66. The feeling of a plane’s wheels leaving the tarmac makes my heart skip a beat. In a good way.

67. I have seen a tornado funnel forming.

68. I don’t like beer.

69. I prefer my drinking water to be tepid rather than ice cold.

70. If I tell someone I love him/her, I mean it.

71. I’m not fond of the word “yummy” – especially in relation to describing men.

72. I have a loud laugh and I laugh often. My dad loved my laugh and made fun of it (in a loving way).

73. I like the word “romantic” and I dislike it when people feel the word is only associated with male/female love.

74. I can hold my pee forever. Drives my husband nuts.

75. I have to wear glasses. I’d like to have the option of wearing contacts but my eyes are too dry.

76. I love cotton candy. I have been known to stop at small parking lot carnivals to buy cotton candy for my drive home.

77. I was burned as a child. Fortunately, I do not have a lot of scars. Physically or emotionally. In fact, I still love fire and can’t help but play with it.

78. I wish there were a word that was in between friend and acquaintance/associate. I take the term “friend” very seriously and it is limited to a handful of people.

79. My mom used to sing us awake.

80. I enjoy games but I’m not very competitive. I enjoy the time whether I win or lose as long as there is no-one too competitive playing with me. When people are too competitive I want to quit the game.

81. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 18.

82. I would be quite happy if I never heard another Michael Bolton, Mariah Carey or Celine Dion song again in my life.

83. My first crush was on Luke at summer camp. This was before I started school. My second crush was on Dean.

84. My father died in a farming accident. As hard as it was to bear and as much as we still miss him my father would not have grown old gracefully so it’s best that he died doing what he loved before he was too old to have to stop farming.

85. I like bridges. While in New England for our honeymoon I made my husband drive a ways off the beaten track to see covered bridges.

86. I love to be barefoot.

87. I don’t wear pink.

88. I prefer to have the doors closed when I sleep. Both bedroom and closet.

89. I am obsessive about keeping track of my finances.

90. I like tea but not fruit or mint-flavored tea. Period. No exceptions.

91. I have a lot of freckles on my upper back and shoulders. I like them. They remind me of my dad except his entire body was freckled (except his face).

92. When I was young I got a bee sting right on the bridge of my nose so that both eyes were completely swollen shut. My mom let me stay home from school. Nice treat to be able to stay home from school and not feel even remotely sick.

93. I have never been very good at sports. Two exceptions. At summer camp I was the best dodge ball player and at college I was the best female floor hockey player. The fact that those aren’t really sports supports the initial statement. But, I’m still quite proud of them nonetheless.

94. I love watching interior decorating shows even though I do not have even the smallest knack for decorating (see #21).

95. I tend to follow rules but only if they make sense. If there is no common sense to a rule I will fight it and deliberately disobey it.

96. I rarely ever cry but if I do I’m usually completely alone. This does not mean I don’t feel, it just means I tend to keep my feelings very private. If you do see me cry, don’t hug me; just pass me a tissue.

97. I am very sarcastic and find myself drawn to others who are likewise.

98. Constant, unnecessary noises stress me out. I do anything I can to make them stop including yelling at people who are tapping a table with their foot.

99. We didn’t have a TV growing up. Back then it embarrassed me, now I’m proud of it. My mom made everything in our lunches (bread included). Back then it embarrassed me, now I’m proud of it. We didn’t open our Christmas presents until well after lunch on Christmas day. Back then it frustrated me now it pleases me. Sense a pattern?

100. I love lists – both reading and making them. This was fun and I will most likely do it again sometime.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Brown Paper Packages Tied up With String

Another of my happy posts. Yeesh, I'm starting to feel like a Pollyanna. I'm going to have to try harder on the cynical/angry/sad/sarcastic posts.

I realized again last night how very blessed I am. I am going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding next month. She is not one of my best friends but I am happy to be her bridesmaid as she doesn't have a lot of friends.

Last night the four bridesmaids got together for awhile to plan a shower and the stagette. I could go on and on about how fascinating it is to me to sit with 3 people I don't know at all for 2+ hours but that's a whole other post. What I realized as I sat there talking with these ladies was that maybe not everyone is as lucky as I am in friendships. If I would have had 4 bridesmaids (still very happy that I only had one) I would have been closer to all 4 of them than this bride is to ANY of her four.

The Beatles

This morning on the way to work I heard a Beatles song and now I am sitting here still rapt in amazement at their lyrics.

You say yes, I say no
You say stop and I say go, go, go
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello

Really! How can someone get away with a song like that?!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope. Winston Churchill

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hope is one of my recent favorite words. I love the sound of it and I love the warmth of the word. When we as KV leaders were given our choice of Advent words it was my first pick hands down.

It's what keeps us going. It's what makes life vital and yet also makes life painfully vulnerable because we take a risk when we hope.

It's what keeps the people who have lost their families and homes due to the tsunami from committing suicide.

It's what keeps Mom from depression with her farm not selling. It still may, it still may...

It's what makes J-L and I have baited breath every month thinking that there may be a new life inside me.

I may not be an optimist but I always want to have hope.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Sing it with me: It's just Another Melancholy Monday!

I know, I know, it should be manic but I'm not quite to that point, just melancholy. I really have nothing to be sad about but that's what I feel right now. Just weary and blue. Crazy thing is, I'm even TRYING to find things to continue in this mood. My car is broken and it's going to cost me money to fix it, my skin and eyes are very dry, it's Monday, it's cold out... See? Pathetic! The items even seem inane to ME but here I sit and wallow. And if anyone tries to change my mind of this I might punch them. Fortunately, my music tastes are such that there is always a plethora to choose from to help this linger.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Apparently she [Corrie] didn't hate it so here's another one! [cut & paste]

A Second List Also Known as What Goes Through Cynthia's Brain on January 13, 2005

1. I worry about money. It's what I do. It's what I've done for as long as I can remember. I have very vivid memories about worrying about my parents' financial situation as a child. I don't like this and wish I could change it but I really don't know how to change something that is as ingrained as that. Well, now the possibility of us having a child is looming. And so I begin to worry. I couldn't fall asleep last night worrying about how we can afford a child. How can we afford the clothes and the daycare (if that's the route we go)? How will we be able to afford the car seats and the soccer? Okay, okay, apparently it's time to go back to Matthew 6. Believe you me, it's well underlined in my Bible.

2. I cut my finger last night. Not badly but it is hurting me this morning. Wahh. Serves me right for sharpening my knife last night.

3. As I believe you know, I'm doing A's wedding photography on February 19. Only my second winter wedding and certainly not my favorite way to do wedding photography as I prefer outdoor shots. But, lo and behold, I came up with an idea. And now, we are booked to take some of the photography in the legislative building. Woohoo! There is a wonderful staircase in there that will be perfect. I was a little worried when I phoned for a reservation and the lady asked if this was for 2006. But, it turns out they had a cancellation on February 19 so we're in! Happy, happy girl.

4. C called in sick today. Can't say I'm too broken up about it.

5. Hey, how's my camera working out for you? I hope you're feeling comfortable with it and that there wasn't something I forgot to explain to you.

6. My boy brought me flowers again yesterday. He does this often and I love him for it. Makes everyone at work jealous. :-) This time, stunningly beautiful lilies.

7. I made something quite tasty for supper tonight. That's right, Thursday nights are back on with a vengeance. Sorry, I had to make you jealous about SOMETHING what with all your talk about your adventures in India and all.

8. Deleted.

9. For some bizarre reason my eyes have been sore for 2 days now. I really should buy some drops or something. Oh dear, I'd best stop. First complaining about the cut and now THIS?

10. Your lyrics for the day:
Tell her not to go

I ain’t holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that’s all
Tell her I’ll be by her side, all she has to do is call

11. Deleted.

12. I just talked to J-L and asked him if he had anything interesting to say to you in this email. His words: "Tell her that I hope that when she comes back that she's no longer a greaser."

13. Your quote for the day: You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. -Sam Levenson

14. My mom abstains from alcohol. Entirely. No exceptions - not even if alcohol is involved in a dessert or something. It's just a decision she's made and as you are aware my mom sees the world through thick black and white coloured glasses. You'd think they'd hurt her eyes at times but it seems to work for her so who am I to say? Now, can you explain to me why 3 of the meals (including tomorrow's) that I have made for the Plett family dinners have included alcohol? Is there some sort of subconscious sneakiness here? It's not like I always cook with alcohol or anything or that I really want my mom to open her horizons. Not at all. Crazy, hey?

15. Survivor starts up again February 17. "From the beginning, the game will be changed in a dramatic way; everything the Survivors have come to expect will be wiped out in the first 10 minutes. Who will outwit, outplay, and outlast all others in Palau?"

16. Nearly forgot: I'm also going to be in A's wedding party. One of her bridesmaids had to back out with the wedding being changed to February (from June). The cool thing is that I just have to wear a black dress. That is, I get to buy whatever type I want. So, no spending $300 on a dress I'll never wear again.

17. Well, I never made it to 20 this time. But, it's nearly time to go and I have a couple of last-minute things to do first. 'Til next time. ccap

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


At my desk I have a multitude of photos. And as I look at them this morning I realize that I have a very blessed life. Not even sure I deserve it.

My nieces and nephews: There are 7 of them. And while they are at an age right now where I don't rank too high on the list of people important to them (not complaining - just a fact of life) I love them dearly and hope to continue to have relationships with them for the rest of my life.

My family: I have a photo up of my three siblings and my mom. At the moment it's making me tear up a bit because Dad isn't in the shot but having the four of them in my corner is a blessing not nearly everyone has.

My brother Brad: He's the oldest and in every way shape and form fits that role. I realized once that if I were ever kidnapped and had only one phone call to make it would most likely be to him. Not that I wouldn't want to speak with my husband but I have a feeling Brad would be more likely to keep his wits about him and be able to solve the issue quickly and logically.

My brother Dwight: My sweet, sweet brother. He is kind and filled with goodness. I sometimes wish he lived closer because our relationship has changed since he got married and moved away. We very seldom have one on one time. But, this fall we were able to plant bulbs together for the first time in a long time and there is no one on earth I would rather do that with.

My sister Heather: What can I say? She is my ear. She is my friend. While a lot of the sappy cards out there written about sisters make us both gag they often contain verses that are actually LESS than what we have. We are sisters and I feel sad for anyone who doesn't get to know what that's like.

My mom: I think she is why the word "mom" was created. If I have any capacity for intellectual thought or the ability to discuss things it is from my father. If I have any capacity for love it is from my mother.

My friends: I have several friend photos up but not of all of them. Joyska, Marja, Pam, Eric, Corrie, Kim. I take the term "friend" very seriously and am very loyal to all of them. How I ended up being so lucky to find them and to have them love me as I love them is beyond me.

Joyska: She is moving away shortly and I will miss her. But, I know that we will maintain our friendship. When we go out together I can be assured that we will have a lengthy conversation that will be much more than just surface stuff.

Marja: Laughter comes to mind when I think of Marja. Of all my friends she is probably the one I have laughed with the most. She also knows secrets about me that no one else knows.

Pam: I don't actually think I'm cool enough to be Pam's friend but for some reason she sees otherwise. She is a delight and if I can make her laugh I am proud. She is also probably the person who shares my love of sarcasm the most, using it with a bite that is a gift. She is the creator of movie day and while most of my associates wouldn't "get" that, I LOVE it and am glad she invited me along.

Corrie: I trust Corrie with my heart. Sounds sappy and I suppose it is. We think very similarly and ache over the same struggles. And so we share. She loves good quotes and good writing and I think of her often when I come across either.

Kim: She listens to me. She listens, offers advice and supports me when my heart is breaking. I don't know that I believe in the term "soul mate" but if I did Kim would be one of mine. She tries to get me to believe in myself.

My boy: I am now up to 4 photos with him in it at my desk. And they make me smile. I love him dearly and there is no one on earth that makes me laugh as much. He is what I need my husband to be. He supports me. He loves me. He lets me go out without him without any amount of guilt. He thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and gives me more compliments than what is even good for the size of my head. "I choose him to take up all of my time. I choose him because he's funny and kind." I look forward to the rest of our lives together and I look forward to seeing him as a dad someday.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Item #461

Some day I need to start keeping track of the number of calls that are similar to this: "Hey, Cynthia, it's Steve, did they get the cheque yet?"

Okay, Steve WHO, WHAT group and WHAT cheque and WHERE they send the cheque to?

Argh! It just makes me shake my head and I often wonder if brokers realize that I deal with 400+ groups.

Friday, January 07, 2005

A List! (cut and paste from an email to Corrie)

20 Things that Came into Cynthia's Head or that She Heard About or Read About While Creating This Email for Corrie
How's that for a long-winded title!?

1. I got A & M's wedding invitation this week. She did them herself and for the most part they're quite pretty (not what I would have chosen but still pretty) but J-L noticed the typing isn't straight on it and now that's probably ALL I'm going to see. Argh.

2. I bought a new calendar. I took your advice and didn't buy one that would make me long for trips I couldn't take. Okay, that's actually a lie. It wasn't really that I was taking your advice, it was rather that McNally had a very limited supply of types I liked so I bought a coffee one.

3. It's Marcel's turn to made supper tonight and he's making crepes. Yum! Plett family dinner. But, since Mom is in Calgary and J-L is in Banff it's basically me just going over to H&M's to mooch dinner off them. ;-)

4. I had a dream that J-L was involved in a war or street fight of some sort. I don't usually have nightmares but this one was a doozy. Your dad and Dennis were also involved. J-L got shot. Badly. It was HORRID. Everyone came home one by one (there were more than just the three of them) but him. I was frantic. And then he walked in the door. I wonder if I'll ever be able to forget the look on his face or the sound that came out of my mouth. I made some kind of guttural, primordial sound. That's probably what woke me up. It made it that much worse that I couldn't reach over and hug him.

5. In the realm of stupid/annoying Americans and their lawsuits: A viewer is suing NBC for $2.5 million, contending that he threw up because he saw a Fear Factor episode in which contestants ate rats mixed in a blender. Austin Aitken said he watches Fear Factor often and had no problem with past installments where the reality show's participants ate worms and insects in pursuit of a $50,000 prize -- but eating rats went ''too far.'' Aitken's handwritten lawsuit contends the rat-eating made his blood pressure rise, resulting in dizziness and vomiting. Because he was disoriented he ran into a doorway, ''causing suffering, injury and great pain.'' Asked why he didn't shut off his television, Aitken said he couldn't do it quickly enough.

6. It's quite crazy/stupid how much I miss J-L these days that he's been gone. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. Here I am Ms. Proud of Her Stubborn Independence missing my boy. I used to (almost) feel the Simon & Garfunkle I am a Rock song was my theme song. I know, I know, twisted but there you go. I kept it secret because I knew others would just shake their heads and think "Cynthia just doesn't GET it. That song is a negative/sad view of some people, NOT something to strive for." And now what do I cling to? Some schmaltzy love song about missing someone? Holy Mother of All Things Completely Horrifying and Utterly Disturbing.

7. Next to you, my brother Dwight is the person I relate to the most in my love of song lyrics. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, I was quite pleased when he loved Bethlehem Town as much as I did; asking for the lyrics and an MP3 version of the song emailed to him. Ahh.

8. Speaking of songs, this is on my cd player right now: Today I dream of home and not of London anymore. I thought as someone traveling that you could relate to that for brief moments. Not that you want to leave (I would never suggest that to a wanderaholic) but that there might be brief moments when you would like to be sitting comfortably in familiarity.

9. I don't think I'm going to get any work done due to this list. :-)

10. Today is one of those roses and daffodils days. You know what I mean? Most days I'm cynical and slightly pessimistic but today it's like the whole world has a shine on it. I know (still a tiny bit pessimistic) that it's only a matter of time before something happens to tick me off but for now I'm trying to cling to the giddiness.

11. A coworker of mine is at the hospital with her 15 year-old son today. Why? He got into a fist fight and hurt one of his hands. This is also a boy who is failing most of his classes at school. Gosh, my heart goes out to B. She really is a good mom and works hard at being so.

12. January is Gennaio in Italian.

13. I am working on a group right now and needed to look at the employee listing for the group. The first name: King, James. I recognize that it's last name first and therefore not that interesting but seeing that written on my computer screen made me chuckle. Okay, maybe not audibly chuckle but smile at least.

14. Last night I downloaded the Jack Johnson video for Taylor. That's the one that Ben Stiller is in. So, if you ever want to see it again, I have it on our computer.

15. It's less cold out there today. It's funny 'cause I nearly said "warmer" but it seems an odd word selection when it's -13 degrees out but when the temperature went down to -36.6 yesterday this nearly feels balmy. Maybe this is part of the reason for #10.

16. Along the lines of Stuff You Really Didn't Need or Want to Know: I have a zit just below my nose that is driving me towards insanity in tiny increments today. It's nearing the point of all I can think about.

17. It's 3:13 pm and I can't say I'm too sorry to see C. head home. It will make this last hour and 15 minutes that much better.

18. I'm trying to decide whether I'm spontaneous or not. I've always considered myself to be fairly spontaneous but upon further investigation I wonder if I am. Let me explain myself further: If someone were to call me right now and ask me if I wanted to go to a late show tonight I would say "yes" without hesitation. And yet, when someone comes up with a new idea regarding work or church I tend to need time to think about it. I never just jump in without giving it a great deal of consideration. All the angles. All the pros, all the cons. Now, are those two things incongruous? I'm not sure. 35 and still haven't figured myself out completely. ;-)

19. Some writing I thought that you (as a lover of words) might enjoy. He has just spent awhile talking about an older couple he saw in Starbucks who are just new to finding each other. And he writes this:

Me? I was lost in the wonder.

Provisional or providential I know not. What I DO know is that I had been witness to something exceptional. Something fine and good and healing.

I wanted to rush home as quickly as possible and gather my lady into my arms and try one more time to achieve what has so frustratingly escaped us in spite of our sincere efforts to reel it in.
I want to sit at Starbucks with her some day and have some young buck eavesdrop on our conversation and be, perhaps, encouraged to go and do the same.

I want to be with her. And I will. I will.

20. And on that note, it's nearing time to go home and 20 seems like a nice number to end on. I hope you didn't have to pay too much for the internet cafe you're currently in 'cause if you did, I owe you for the time wasted reading this foolishness. I love you and I miss you and I hope you are having a wonderful time.


Thursday, January 06, 2005

What a difference a day makes

It's fascinating to me how much a mood can change over a day or so. Earlier this week I was feeling more than just a little depressed. The marriage seemed stale, my work seemed overwhelming, the fact that Lisa got pregnant without even trying too much to take. And now it all seems better. Hopeful. I love my man dearly. I enjoy my job. And we WILL get pregnant. Perhaps even this month. Look at me being the optimist. J-L wouldn't even recognize me now.

Item #460

And another thing: If you are driving in a lane that is slow moving it is slow moving for a reason. (In this particular case because most people on this road want to turn right.) Don't come into MY lane that's moving well with the hopes to re-merge with the other lane down the road. All THAT serves to do is slow MY lane down and piss me off! Rant done now.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Back to Normal

And, for the most part, everything is back to normal. It's amazing how quickly the insanity of the season seems like a distant memory. On some levels it's a good thing as we are both back to eating properly and not just inhaling every type of treat that crosses our paths. But, on the other hand it's rather sad and depressing as work is also back on track with nary a holiday in sight. I knew this as soon as I came in and discovered files on my desk. Sigh. Time to charge back into it.

How's this for a surreal moment: My husband worked out and showered next to his ex-wife's new boyfriend. Yikes! I think that might persuade me to change gyms. Not him. Being the big-hearted man that he is he spoke to the guy and told him not to be uncomfortable or anything.

Things are looking good for our trip to Cuba. Now THAT'S something that might keep me pleasant for the next 2 months of winter. J-L spoke to the pastor yesterday and I think he's now getting pumped about it too. Which is good as some of the energy should come from him when it comes to traveling or I'm going to think he's only going because he wants to keep me happy.