Thursday, March 31, 2005

What I really want

Today, what I really want is

to be at Folk Fest, meandering from workshop to workshop soaking in the mood and warmth of the place with my sister.

to be at Assiniboine Park mid-July wandering through the English gardens with my nieces choosing which flowers are our favorites.

to be driving to Riverton with my husband on a hot Friday afternoon with my bare feet resting on the dashboard while we anticipate the homemade pizza and laughter with my brother, his wife and their boys.

to be at Wasagaming with my friends Corrie and Pam wandering the streets deciding which cabins we like and which we don't while licking furiously at our cones to savor the dripping ice cream.

But, I'm not. Instead I'm sitting in an office dealing with cranky brokers and one particularly obsessive frantic coworker. Sigh.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Note to Coworker

Next time I ask you to come and show me something on my system would you mind NOT leaving fingerprints behind? Pointing TOWARDS the item is actually just as effective as touching the computer screen directly.

Pondering while wandering through the mall

I wonder if...

there will ever be a time in my life when I won't think a hot pink faux straw (i.e. plastic) cowboy hat is offensive to the senses?

Pondering while wandering through a parking lot

I wonder if...

I owned a brand new Jaguar with leather interior, would I keep it cleaner than I do my current car?

Monday, March 28, 2005


For the past few months I have noticed that there is just less and less that I know for sure. I know this comes with age but I also notice that not nearly everyone struggles over these issues. They just see them in clear black and white tones. I'm not envious of these people. Not at all. I have no desire to stop having questions.

Some things I don't know:

I don't know what the answer is on the Terry Schiavo case. I see Christians on TV who are protesting there by her hospital. They seem to know. I don't. I'm glad I don't have to decide for her or her family.

I don't know what the answer is on homosexual marriages. I struggle with some glib answer that shuts the door for homosexuals. If I get to have love, why can't they?

I don't know what the answer is on abortions. I think sometimes Christians relish on proclaiming The Answer and forget that the person going through the decision needs comfort and love, not judgment.

I have no idea what I as a pseudo-feminist am supposed to do with the fact that the Bible was written by men only. I ache over that often and anger over it nearly as often. Where am I to find my connection?

I also have no idea what to do with John 14:6 where it states that the only way to the Father is through Jesus. Really? The ONLY way? So all those other people of various religions that believe with much more fervour than myself, they're all lost?

I'm not writing this post to receive answers. Truthfully, at this point in my life I don't think I could accept answers. I need to question, not to know.

But, as I sat in church on Good Friday I realized that I DID need to know SOMETHING. I needed some ground, some footing. And I thought back to one of my favorite verses:

Micah 6:8
He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

And for now, I can accept that. If *I* were writing it I'd throw in the word "honestly" in that last statement too. Humbly and honestly. For now that will be My Truth.

Thursday, March 24, 2005


Since I am feeling much better today and nearly giddy anticipating spring and the long weekend I thought I'd try my hand at a rather introspective happy post. It's been awhile, what with all the exhaustion and queasiness.

I am 35 years old. I am pregnant for the first time in my life and have been married for less than a year. And I am blessed. I am not one of those women who has spent her life longing for a child or waiting for a husband to fulfill my life. Not at all. In fact, I am struggling finding identity in marriage. I knew singleness. I was familiar with who I was and what it meant to me. I took pride in it. I was happy there. Now I'm just like everyone else. Just another couple in a sea of couples.

But I digress.

I am happy here now. Very happy. Shockingly happy. Still not regretting one moment of singleness but happy in my marriage too. Did I mention that I'm going to have a baby? That's actually what this post was to be about. Sorry, I keep getting sidetracked.

Let's see where was I? Oh yes, I'm 35. I got married at 34. By the time I hit 31 or so I had started to shut the door on the possibility of having a child. I wasn't in a serious relationship and the years were slipping away. Most days I was okay with it. I was happy and content with my life. Most days. There were Those Nights. I'm pausing here because I'm not sure what to say about Those Nights. Let's just say the "why not me?" monster invaded my home on occasion.

But, know what? I get to after all! I'm sure some of you parents out there are shaking your heads thinking "she has NO IDEA what she's getting herself into". And you're right, I've got times of heartbreak ahead. Times of cleaning up puke at 2 o'clock in the morning. Times of hearing "I HATE you, Mom!" to come.

But I also have times of snuggling under the covers. Times of discovering new bugs while we're out for walks. Times of teaching them about the wonder of creation. Times of hearing them giggle. And I get to hear someone one day call me "mommy".

God has decided to bless me and for today at least it makes my heart glad.

The lyrics making me smile today

In case you hadn't noticed yet, I am a LOVER of lyrics. And today, it's these ones. The song is fast, upbeat and makes me smile every time I hear it.
"You're The Only One"
Maria Mena
Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground
Then you stumbled around for a good ten minutes
And I said I'd never seen anyone look so dumb before
And you laughed and said I still know how to turn you on though
You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean
And I probably forgot to tell you this
Like that time I forgot to tell you about the scar
Remember how uncomfortable that made you feel?
See you're not what I expected
But you're the only one who knows how to handle me
And you're such a great kisser and I know that you agree
You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean
I hope you can forgive me for that time
When I put my hand between your legs
And said it was small
Cuz its really not at all
I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around
Cuz the day you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

The thing is...

I don't really like attention. It's the way I am. It's not that I'm shy or demure or a wallflower. Not at all. I do like to talk about myself as much as the next person. But, I'm not crazy about others talking about or caring about me too much. I tend to be the one who does the work and then blends into the background when the applause is going on. Again, not that I don't like to be thanked but I'd rather have it done one on one. I know, complicated.

I feel as though this pregnancy messes with that a bit.

I told my coworkers yesterday. Sigh. Now I realize why I wanted to hold off telling them. And now every morning I am going to deal with "how are you, Cynthia?"; "how are you feeling this morning?" over and over and over again. Blech!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Three unrelated tidbits

1) I'm feeling much better this morning. Still a little queasy but I had a reasonably good sleep so that makes a huge difference.

2) It looks as though my boy and I will be going to New York City this summer. Won't be cheap but it will be fun. Hopefully this trip doesn't fall through like the Cuba one did.

3) Helped my mom move last night. While moving I came to the realization that perhaps I came by my need for organization from my father and not my mother. Nearly all of her boxes were a mishmash of stuff with the majority of the boxes left wide open. I am one of those who not only closes my boxes but seals them AND labels them. Perhaps it IS a bit insane. I can admit that but it certainly makes it a lot easier for stacking purposes.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Trying to look on the bright side (see previous post)

1. My new bright lime green panties are actually quite cute AND sexy.

2. It's a 4 day work week this week.

3. Although sad and melancholy I am still enjoying this song of Billy Joel's playing in my head:

And So It Goes

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

4. One day my baby will fall asleep on my chest instead of causing havoc inside my body.

Time Out

I feel as though I need a bit of a time out today. A time out to go find a quiet, solitary spot to cry. I had a horrific sleep again last night. This baby is reeking havoc with my body and especially my stomach and I'm tired of it. I want to be happy, I really do. But right now I just want to go in a corner and cry.

Morning sickness, schmorning sickness. This is 24/7 sickness. And no, I am NOT puking but I really don't know if that would be much worse. When people ask how I'm doing I tell them I'm queasy quite a lot but that it's not that bad because I'm not puking. Well, I've changed my mind, it IS that bad. How is this constant state of feeling as though I'm going to puke in about half a day BETTER than actually puking? I don't know.

Oh yeah, and add to that the fact that I've already gained about half of the total weight that I'd lost back and I'm that much more depressed. (I recognize that that was a poorly formed sentence but you'd have to realize how truly exhausted I am to know that I REALLY DON'T CARE.)

Friday, March 18, 2005

Hello, my name is Cynthia and I'm

addicted! To recipes. I can't help myself. They are the magnet and I the tiny particle of quivering iron. Seriously, no-one should have the number of cookbooks and cut out bits of paper that I have. There is no reason for it. I mean, I love to cook but STILL. It's out of control. I would have to live to be 348 years old in order to actually TRY all the recipes I have. And I'm sheepish to admit, it's only getting worse. I can't casually flip by the page in the newspaper or magazine where recipes are printed. I spend hours scouring the internet for something new, something exciting. I have subscriptions to magazines that have very little content with the exception of good recipes. When *I* stand at the till I don't look longingly at the chocolate bars NOR do I stare at People magazine wondering if Jen and Brad will get back together or wondering how Ms. X lost 180 pounds. No, I'M the one staring at the Canadian Living magazine wondering if I have something coming up where I can serve the pork schnitzel with mushroom sauce.

It's an addiction. I can admit it. Don't they say that's the first step?

But then how do I get absolution knowing that mere moments ago I ordered yet another magazine?

Who knew?

When I was young my mom made me egg sandwiches for school. Who knew that as an adult I would discover that they are actually called egg salad sandwiches? So much more sophisticated.

Also, when I was young my mother cooked us noodles and cream gravy. Funny because any restaurant would make the same but refer to them as homemade pasta with alfredo sauce.

Who knew?

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Just You Wait!

I realized recently that I get quite annoyed by Just You Wait people. Joy takers. I work closely with someone like that. Anytime I speak of my marriage she'll roll her eyes (figuratively or literally) telling me that I'm still in the honeymoon stage. That I don't REALLY know what a marriage is like and that I should Just Wait.

Same goes for any coworkers bragging about their young child. Just You Wait. One day he/she will be an ungrateful; rebellious teen who never listens.

Both of these things may very well be true but why can we not enjoy what we have right now? Just because you're bitter that the best of your days are over (ooooh, the nails are out now) doesn't mean that our days can't be better. I believe in living in the joy of the moment so LET ME.

My favourite lyrics of the day

Snippets of lyrics from the same song.

I need a sign to let me know you're here

I need to know that things are gonna look up

I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

Okay, so maybe I AM fussy.

I've never considered myself to be a very fussy person. But, this morning I realized that perhaps that's not always true. Two cases in point:

toothpaste: I want my toothpaste to taste like mint. I do not want it to taste like cherry or orange or cinnamon. shudder.

yogurt: I want my yogurt to be fruity or plain. I have no need in my life for yogurt that tastes like pecan pie or cappuccino.

That's all.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Whining... AGAIN!

Can we just have spring already!? I'm sick and tired of winter coats, of mitts and of brushing off my car in the morning.

Monday, March 14, 2005

This one thing I know

While I am off on mat leave (I know, I know, it's still a looong way away) I will NOT miss the CS crap that I have to deal with day in and day out for 5 days of the week.

So when does the glow start?

I am pregnant. Wow, that's one of the first times I've actually typed that out. Whacky. Unreal to me yet.

All I know so far is that I have nearly consistently felt a little queasy since this whole thing began. A little queasy with very sore boobs. And nearly always tired and a little (my husband may say a LOT) on the cranky side. I don't WANT to feel this way but I do. When I used to think about being pregnant one of the things that appealed to me the most was not having a period for 9 months. But, if I continue like this I don't know if I see that as a bonus anymore. The breast soreness and the queasiness are continuous and the monthly cramps and heavy bleeding are momentary.

And yet, I really do hate to complain. I recognize that thousands before me have felt much worse. I have a friend who damaged her esophagus due to continual vomiting. So, really, what do I have to whine about? But, I want to feel excited and happy. That's all I'm saying.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Is this really necessary?

I saw an online ad recently for new Kotex Lightdays. They now come in aloe, lavender and chamomile scents. I was not aware that this was missing from my life. Quite frankly, that time of the month blows and having some scented cotton shoved between my legs is really going to have very little affect whatsoever. Sorry to be crude but it IS my blog.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

My cheese-o-meter is screaming

I have a fairly sensitive palette for cheesiness. I recognize that and so try on occasion to keep my eyes from rolling back as often as they'd like. But, COME ON, surely I'm not the only one who wants to gag at this church sign I saw yesterday:

Be an organ donor. Give your heart to Jesus.

Monday, March 07, 2005


My head is full with things unwritten and unsaid. And for now, it will stay that way. Perhaps one day I will have the desire and energy to write some of these unspoken words down but for now they will remain thrashing in my head.

My mom's beau is coming out again this next weekend. Sigh. I kept wishing it (the relationship) would just go away but that doesn't seem to be the case. So it's time to start accepting it and adjusting to it.

Friday, March 04, 2005


Assuming that she finally caught a flight I will see my sister today after 3+ weeks. Woohoo! I missed her.

And, in other news, my emails seem to be taking over my world and it's Friday and I don't really want to work. Harumph!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

An update

I feel the need to update this blog regarding my mom's relationship.

I'm getting quite weary of her neediness these days. I know I should be used to it but unfortunately, I'm not and it still wears me out sometimes. She keeps looking for approval and doesn't think she's finding it with her family. Here's a snippet of our conversation today:

Mom: I'm going to have just as many problems meeting his family as he did meeting mine.

Me: What problems?

Mom: Well, that they won't like me. That they won't approve.

Me: What are you talking about? I have no problem with Paul whatsoever other than some of the minor stuff I've already told you. My only problem is the speed. In a week you guys met and are now talking about marriage! How can we NOT be a little freaked out?!

Mom: Well, sometimes the Lord works quickly.

Me: I know, Mom. Like I said, I'd be happy for you to find someone to love. But, give us at least a little time to adjust to it.

She also proceeded to say that she thought it was a mistake that Paul stayed at our place over the weekend because she felt like we didn't like him. Some days her insecurities make me want to scream! I'm sorry if I didn't hug him or shower him with love but I only met the guy on Friday and by that night he was sleeping on my couch. I felt like I was hospitable and kind to him and we sat up and talked for 3 hours or so. What more am I supposed to do?

It just astonishes me that she doesn't seem to get it. She doesn't seem to get that her kids are trying to support her but that they might need time to adjust. She doesn't seem to get that if WE had gotten into a relationship that quickly that she would have been freaked out.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

And a new one of the two of us.

Check out my boy! Isn't he looking fine?

Where is Dr. Phil when I need him?

I worry about money. As far back as I can remember I've worried about money. When I was a child I worried about my parents' finances. I received a letter from my dentist informing my parents that I needed braces. As I knew my parents couldn't afford it I threw that letter out before they saw it. Thinking back to that child breaks my heart. And, here I sit, 35 years into my life and I still worry about money. When I think of the possibility of starting a family the biggest fear that nearly cripples me is "How can we afford it?" Yes, I think of the possibility of our child being handicapped but that doesn't worry me, I know we could get through that together. Yes, I think of the child one day rejecting us but that (although it saddens me) is also something that I know we'd survive. But worrying about money keeps me awake at night.

The crazy thing is that with the exception of about a year I have had basically no money problems as an adult. I owe next to nothing and have a substantial amount put away for rainy days. So, WHAT IS UP with the worry? Anyone want to help analyze me?