Monday, February 28, 2005

So That's That

My mom is In A Serious Relationship and I have no idea what to do with that. I always considered myself to be okay with the idea. To be supportive of Mom if she could find a second love. But, that was before this week.

I don't want to suggest that I have now suddenly become UNsupportive. Not at all. It's just easier as an idea and not a reality. And it is happening so very, very fast.

I think I've covered nearly every emotion about it in the past week. I giggled with Mom when she first told me. I shied back when I first met him. I was interested in his stories. I was bored by his stories. I challenged him. I was kind to him. I was mean to him. I was scared for Mom. I was happy for Mom. And, one night I cried myself to sleep.

But, in the end Mom seems to have more confidence and courage than I have often seen in her and THAT makes me very happy. She is blunt with him and will not follow him blindly like she is prone to do.

No matter what, from here on in things change. It may be good, it may be hard. I will on some levels lose my mom and lose my kids' grandma's undivided attention. And that breaks my heart. But, it's not about me.

There are so many other things that I could say and perhaps one day I will write them all down. But, for now, I am weary and heavy of heart.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


Talked to my mom this morning. Just a couple of hours before her Date. She was off to get her hair done. During the conversation she also asked what I thought she should wear. I just never would have guessed that I'd have a conversation like that with my 66 year-old mother.

I hope all goes well.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Scattered emotions

Sometimes emotions catch me completely by surprise. Like today.

Got home from work in the usual way. Went to my computer to read some emails that I knew were waiting for me.

One from my big brother, Brad.

One from my other brother, Dwight.

And one from my sister.

My sister is in Africa right now. I am missing her and thankfully, she is missing me. The email from her made my throat thick.

And then the email from my brother Dwight - the MP3 version of the song that he wrote and sang for my dad's funeral.

You can't imagine how it feels until you're in these shoes,
And you can't prepare ahead of time for the reeling blow and the jarring news.
You can't defend yourself against the pain you'd never choose.
You pull yourself together when everything unglues.

That's why we need a savior;
All the comfort heaven can send,
When you can't see through the blinding tears
And your heart's an open wound
And the sky comes crashing down.

And, although it's not related to thinking about my dad it's still part of the reason for the faltering emotions: My mom has a date tomorrow. And I just don't know what to do with that thought. I want her to be happy and if she can have a second chance at love I will stand by her side and support her. But, I just don't want more pain for her or for our family. Please God, only goodness. If this man is not what you want for Mom please let her see it quickly and painlessly. For now we need happiness. We need hope.

Random thoughts from a busy weekend

As I'm feeling too lazy and uninspired to write well I'll just jot down point-form.

Took my three nieces (and my mom) to see Because of Winn-Dixie. A sweet movie. Although, my 2 year-old niece found it scary. Why? Well, the dog ran away. Yes, it came back before the end of the movie but she could really only focus on the fact that he ran away. Apparently not the first time she has found a dog running away in a movie scary. Cute.

The Wedding.

What a full, full, tiring day. It's not every day I get to be bridesmaid, photographer and janitor at one event.

- I got my hair done in the morning. Got it done by someone new. I figured if I hated it I would just do it myself. It was considerably higher than what I was comfortable with but I think I managed to tame it down a bit. We'll see when we get the pictures back.

- The bride looked very pretty. Not a dress I would ever have chosen but she glowed.

- H & T (daughter of bride, son of groom) both went up on stage during the wedding more than once. Proved to be a bit of a distraction but c'est la vie. H was especially distracting and although I don't think it really matters much I could tell that it bugged A. I was surprised that neither of her grandparents did a freaking thing about it.

- I'm not thrilled about the photography time but that's partly because I felt a bit rushed and the maid of honor whined about a few of the positions I put her in and A also didn't have a lot of patience for artistic shots. Bummed me out. But, I still got my normal wedding photography high so that was good.

- The reception was done more like a social. Much to our (attendants) surprise, the caterers dropped the food off in the kitchen and left. So, we ended up putting the buns out on the tables and setting up the food on the buffet. People bussed their own plates etc. Not a big deal but I wish I had known beforehand. I said that to J-L: As much as we had people that had to help us at our wedding they knew it ahead of time and it seems to me that makes a bit of a difference.

- And, again, as it was set up like a social we as the attendants had to stick around to do clean-up. By 10:30 I was ready to call it a night (I'm old, it had been a long day) but we had to stay until the bitter end (1:00) and here's where my anger starts flooding back. M & A had 4 attendants each. E did a whack of clean up (wine bottles, beer glasses) before she left around 11. (And may I note that she left because she had her 4 year-old daughter with her.) S and C left by 10 pm. Now, can you tell me why the bridesmaids would recognize that perhaps we should stay and help clean when 2 of the groomsmen left that early? Thing that amazes me even more is that C is also M's brother. Shouldn't he feel double responsibility? Familial responsibility AND attendant responsibility?! Okay, so by midnight (when we decided to start cleaning to get a bit of a head start) there are 3 bridesmaids left and 2 groomsmen. The bridesmaids start cleaning off tables, stacking chairs and putting away tables. One groomsman (who happens to be M's dad) also helped with this process. The other groomsman was completely loaded and continued to dance the night away. WTF!? I don't think I have ever in my life wanted so badly to walk out on a dance floor and punch someone. I was stunned! HOW can you do that? How can you watch while women in fancy black dresses and high heeled shoes take down tables and stack chairs? Typing about it makes me angry all over again. I told J-L that (not that he as a decent guy needs the warning) if I EVER saw my son or my husband letting women in high heeled shoes (and a 60-something year-old man) do work like that while they did nothing they would get a beating when they got home.

- Speaking of J-L he was my hero Saturday night. What a man. What an amazing human being. He did more work than 3 of the groomsman put together EASILY.

Made it to the last necessary movie prior to The Oscars next Sunday. (For the past 7-8 years I have made it a rule to see the 5 best picture nominations prior to the Oscar night.) The last one: The Aviator. Now the countdown begins for the party. Yay!

In the evening was supper at the in-laws.

A full weekend where I was basically only home to sleep. Perhaps that might explain my laziness today.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Note to Coworker

When I asked this morning what colour of nail polish I should wear tomorrow (in my black bridesmaid dress) it was mostly just small-talk. I didn't actually need you to tell me to ensure that my nail polish match my lipstick. And I ESPECIALLY didn't need you to point out what you meant, using another coworker (whose lipstick smashingly matched her shirt) as an example. You made me feel like an imbecile and I am now quietly rolling my eyes at you.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Stomping my feet.

Let me just say that I don't think it's fair to notice blood on my panties shortly before bed only to dream that I gave birth to a marvelous baby girl.

I'm just saying.

Monday, February 14, 2005


The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.
Doug Larson

The air is warm.
The snow is soft and melting.
The sleigh glides along smoothly.
Surrounded by people who know your name.
Surrounded by familiarity.
The moment is filled with chatter, laughter and peacefulness.
The horses breathing and the bells join in the happiness of the moment.
This moment should have a name.
This should be something people strive for.
It's akin to a warm blanket,
Sand between your toes
And a tender embrace.
It is comfort.

Friday, February 11, 2005

My New Plan

It's amazing how closely a cycle can be watched when one is trying to get pregnant. February 17, 18 and 19 (hey, I'm still not THAT regular) are looming on the horizon. Each day draws them closer. And each day I feel the dread worsen.

But, I'm trying out a new plan. The New Plan involves me strongly believing that I'm not pregnant. It's just like every other month for the past 20 some years. The days come, I bleed (sorry if that's too graphic for some - hey, it's MY blog) and then they go and life continues. And that's that. A good life. No complaints.

I'm desperately hoping that this New Plan helps me make it through those days. I'm hoping this New Plan helps push away the sadness, the anger. That somehow it tricks me into a nonchalant attitude about it all. One can hope. At least on February 11th one can hope. We'll see how well I stick to The Plan on February 18.


It is currently -3 degrees outside. It's amazing what something like that can do for me. The air feels so different. I feel like skipping again. I feel lighter. Now if only I can persuade myself just to hold on to today. To persuade myself NOT to think of the remaining days of winter ahead. Live in the moment.

All that and it's Friday too!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


Don't sneeze when you have a full cup of hot coffee in your hand!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Good to Know Some Things Never Change

I'm very happy to report that my cynical attitude is still very much intact. I have always disliked Valentine's Day. But, there was a part of me that wondered if it was sour grapes. A part of me that wondered if perhaps if I HAD a valentine per se that I would change my views and turn into a slobbering romantic. Well, thankfully, that has not happened. I now have a significant other whom I love very much. And yet, if he were to walk into my office next Monday with a bouquet of red roses the look of disgust that would cross my face would be unavoidable. Don't get me wrong, I love getting gifts and more than that I love giving gifts. But, I don't need some guilt-ridden made up holiday to persuade me to do so.

And, I think the thing that surprises me on some levels is that almost anyone I talk to isn't very fond of the day. So, are we just all giving in to the pressure? The pressure of the stores? The pressure of the hearts; the colour red; Cupid? The pressure of the questions? "What did your boyfriend give you for Valentine's Day?" "Are you going out for dinner?"

Whatever the case may be I think we'll probably be doing laundry that night. How romantic.

Friday, February 04, 2005

The Crack

For the most part J-L and I have had a magical marriage. We communicate well. We love well. We make an unmitigated team. I marvel at it but try not to talk about it TOO much as people may comment that we're still honeymooning or may resent our happiness. I get very weary of the "just you wait" attitude of a lot of people so I try to be subdued in my bragging.

But then there was That Weekend. That Crack. It was October. Our world stood still. I can still remember how thick my throat felt. I can still remember how the air smelled. The ache. And how much things changed.

Sometimes thinking back on it terrifies me. Will it happen again? Will we have to work through something even harder in the future? Will the nagging doubts ever end?

But then other times it comforts me. We made it through. We survived our first big challenge. And, as with broken limbs, on some levels we came out even stronger now that the crack has healed over.

But the remnants are still there. The scar. A reminder of our journey.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Hellos and good-byes

Yesterday I said good-bye to one of my dearest friends. As with most people, I'm not all that fond of good-byes. She's moving a long ways away too. All the way to Kansas City. Too far to connect for a cup of coffee. I will miss her. It's been a long time since I've had to say good-bye to someone moving away. I think the last time it was me leaving.

But, today I get to go to the airport to pick up another dear friend of mine who is back from a long journey. Yay! I love picking people up from the airport. I love the anticipation during the drive. Hoping you're getting there on time so that they don't have to wait for you. I love parking my car and rushing in to look on the screen as to where to meet them. Heading down to right gate and staring up at the top of the escalator. Waiting. Smiling. Wanting to be the first to glimpse their coat, their hair, their stagger. Frantic waving while they meander down the stairs. Watching daughters greet their fathers. Lovers embracing. Sons helping their aged mothers. So much contentment on the bottom of those steps.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

A picture my sister took at Christmas. One of my favorites of me and my boy.

Those 4 Little Words I've Come to Love

I get more phone calls at work than I would ideally like. Anyone that knows me well knows that I'm not a phone person. But, it's a necessary evil with this job. I walk away from my desk for 10 minutes and come back to several messages. If I have a meeting that lasts for an hour or more I come back to a full mailbox.

And I begin to work my way through them. I listen and solve and call.

Which, has led to a combination of words I have learned to love the sound of:

"Your mailbox is empty".


Dear Dad

Dear Dad.

I wonder if you know how much I miss you.

I haven't seen you 555 days as of today. A lot has changed in that time. Paul Martin is now our prime minister. George W. Bush got in for a second term. You remember the Passion of the Christ movie that was being talked about? It did really well at the box office and Mel Gibson did a very good (if not graphic) job of telling the story. Saddam Hussein was captured and Yasser Arafat died. The Olympics took place last year although Canada didn't fare all that well. All things I know we would have discussed in great detail around that kitchen table while you spooned jam onto your bun.

We don't get to and it ticks me off a lot of times.

But that's not all. I got married last year. It was a beautiful day. I wished you could have been there. Mom put on a happy face for me while she walked me down the aisle. We both hid the fact that our hearts were broken that you weren't on the other side of me. Head slightly bent while you attempted to hide your sly smile. I am very jealous that you spoke at Brad, Dwight and Heather's weddings but not at mine. Very jealous and very angry. Sometimes I just want to stomp my feet on the floor and throw a temper tantrum. Yup, still feisty, just like you remember me.

I cooked for my wedding. Pretty crazy, I know. I think that might have made you smile to know how hard I worked and how stubborn I was to do it all myself (with J-L's help of course).

We're very happy. I'm quite pleasantly surprised how easily I've become accustomed to sharing my life with someone. He's very good to me and we love each other and make a good team.

We're trying to get pregnant. I can see you smile about that too (perhaps telling us to keep practicing). That smile that makes my eyes well up at any given moment. That understated smile that hid beneath your eyebrows. I hope I never forget that smile. What a feeling that was to say something or do something that would be worthy of that smile. I want to walk into the kitchen to see you sitting there with your Time magazine, your wife's cooking and your smile. It breaks my heart that my children will never get to see it.

And here I sit crying at work. I really should stop before someone comes in.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things I could tell you but this one's going to be short. Mostly I just wanted to tell you that I miss you.

With love,
Betsy Blue

Just Wondering

For as long as we've been together (at least according to my memory) I have referred to J-L as "my boy". I love it and of all of our pet names for each other it's my favorite. And, I hope to continue it. But, I was wondering this morning: If we would have a male child would I then switch and call him "my boy"? I hope not.