Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Public apology

They often say that guilt comes with motherhood. I don't know as I'm not a mother yet. But I can say that there are times during this pregnancy that I've felt guilty. Felt ashamed. And here it is, my public apology:

I'm sorry that when you ask me how my pregnancy is going that I don't burst into song about this wondrous being growing inside me.

I'm sorry that there are times when I really ache over the weight I'm gaining and look longingly at cute summer dresses that I won't be able to wear this year. I KNOW I'm not fat but rather that I have an extra person inside of me. Sometimes that logic wins, sometimes the scale does.

I'm sorry that I don't lie awake night after night dreaming whimsical dreams about my baby.

I'm sorry that I don't really pay attention to every nuance of my body or my baby.

I'm sorry that I haven't spent every waking moment thanking God about my pregnancy.

I'm sorry that some days I'm downright depressed about losing my selfish lifestyle.

I'm sorry that the thought of maternity leave and being home all the time scares the crap out of me.

I inherited a multi-faceted personality from my father and I'm very proud of it. My mom is very comfortable with the role of wife and mother and if you asked my opinion about it I would say losing some of that definition is part of the reason she remarried so quickly. She was put on this earth to care for people and God bless her for that. She is VERY good at it. (Any ability I have to love comes from my mother, any ability I have to think comes from my father.) My father, on the other hand, was a farmer who did not fit in any stereotypical box that relates to that. He was also a brilliant mathematician, a historian, well-versed in politics, geography and theology. No, I'm not saying I'm like that (I only wish) but I am someone who needs many parts to my personality. And, not that people should stop asking me about my pregnancy but please don't be insulted when my answers are curt and be aware I would just as soon talk about Survivor or a new recipe I tried or my mom or the movie Crash or my job or my marriage or what I think about the release of Karla Homolka or the issue with the Crocus funds.

And now I feel as though I need to apologize for venting. Yikes! It's neverending.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

100 things that you may want to know about my boy (but probably not)

J-L wanted to do up a list of 100 things but doesn't have a blog so I offered to share mine with him for this one time only. Note: These are his words, not mine.
  1. I’m 6’1", my wife is 5’6" and her legs are longer than mine.
  2. The older I get the more grateful I am for the things I have.
  3. Talking to my parents about their wills is a little unnerving. Not being able to talk to them about it is more unnerving.
  4. I belong to a good church with good people.
  5. I love being a salesman. I get to solve people’s problems and I’m not stuck indoors all day.
  6. It’s easier to gain weight than to lose weight.
  7. As outgoing as I can be for work I can be shy in certain social settings.
  8. I will go out of my way to help just about anybody.
  9. A phone should be answered before 3 rings.
  10. I always look forward to Saturday morning cereal with my wife, Cynthia. It gives us a chance to hang out, laugh, and enjoy our time alone together, because soon that will change.
  11. I am my oldest sister’s substitute decision maker, something that both humbles and scares me.
  12. I love my work but not all of the people I work with.
  13. I get very nervous every time my boss comes to town but things always seem to work out.
  14. I prefer having something on my feet rather than going barefoot (in the house).
  15. I enjoy doing housework, it relaxes me.
  16. I don’t enjoy any hot beverages except for Tim Hortons’ honey lemon tea when I’m not feeling well.
  17. I drove to Arizona all by myself. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.
  18. I am proud to say that I have never seen a single Star Wars movie and I hope that that will never change.
  19. My wife is the kindest person I know.
  20. I am proud of the fact that my wife has a close group of friends that she would do anything for and they would do the same for her.
  21. I look forward to going to G&D’s cabin every August long weekend. Beach volleyball, good food, and great company. It is a very good time.
  22. The older I get the cooler my parents become.
  23. The older I get the more uncool I become.
  24. I have seen my nieces grow up way too fast.
  25. I am going to become a father on or around October 29. I am so excited about that fact that I can barely contain myself. I have wanted to be a dad for so long, and I am grateful to finally see that become reality in my 39th year with a woman who is WAY too good for me.
  26. Extreme Makeover:Home Edition, reunion shows and birthing shows all make me cry.
  27. My siblings and I will go out to celebrate each other’s birthdays. Just us, no spouses or kids. We laugh, tell silly stories, and bug Lynne about when is she going to get married.
  28. My favourite colour is orange.
  29. I believe you can never eat too much cheese or Twizzlers.
  30. The best music group in the world is The Police.
  31. I miss my dog Wiley. He was a big part of my life, and died the year my first marriage broke up. In many ways, he was the best thing about my first marriage. I know, sad isn't it?
  32. I lived with my brother and his family for 4 months after my separation. I will be eternally grateful to Marcel, Heather and the girls for putting up with me in those difficult first months of being alone. They saved me, and gave me their home as my own. I want them to know how much I love them and how thankful I am to have them as family.
  33. Seeing babies always makes me smile.
  34. I failed gym in high school.
  35. Sugar Mountain on Free Day is a good thing.
  36. My brother is also my brother-in-law.
  37. I am happy to say that I get along very well with my in-laws even though some of them had doubts about me in the beginning.
  38. I have 5 nieces and 4 nephews, all of whom make me very proud for very different reasons.
  39. I doubt I will ever collect $1,002 from my 7 year-old nephew for beating him at Connect 4.
  40. My dad always has been, and continues to be my hero.
  41. My mother-in-law has just remarried, and I’m not sure how I feel about that yet.
  42. My father in law, Arthur Plett, died on August 8, 2003, barely 2 weeks after Cynthia and I started dating. Even though I had met him on several occasions before, we never had the chance to get to know one another. Some people may think it is odd to miss someone that you barely know, but I miss him very much. I never had the chance to tell him how much I love his daughter, and that I will always be there for her. And I get sad when I think that he will never see his youngest daughter’s children, and that they won’t get their special nickname from Grandpa.
  43. I can’t wait to hear our child call me "daddy" for the first time.
  44. I check TSN.ca and CNNSI.com at least 10 times a day. I need to know what is going on in the sports world, even if I barely ever watch a game.
  45. I envy my wife that she has it all put together.
  46. 5 days a week I wake up at 5 a.m. in the morning to go to the gym. It’s a routine that I’m strangely comfortable with and miss when I stray from it.
  47. There are 4 blogs I read everyday. This one, Debaucherous and Dishevelled, Fumbling for Words and Accidental Poet. Ladies, I may not comment all the time, but I love your writings. You make me think, and I thank you for that.
  48. I prefer to be a leader, not a follower.
  49. M*A*S*H is the best television show ever.
  50. I’m very comfortable admitting that Air Supply kicks ass.
  51. The chair in our computer room squeaks WAY too much.
  52. It is difficult to eat pasta with a can opener, but not impossible.
  53. I love making people laugh, especially kids.
  54. My wife makes the best soups EVER.
  55. When you forget the words to a song, using "scooby dooby doo" and "cha cha cha" is perfectly acceptable.
  56. Diet Pepsi Twist is much better than Diet Coke with Lime.
  57. I can forgive others much easier than I can forgive myself.
  58. I admire my brother for going back to school at 38 to get a degree. I could never do it.
  59. Cynthia and I cooked and served the meal at our wedding. It was one of the most enjoyable things I have ever done. And when I say "we", I really mean "she". I was the prep cook, she was the chef.
  60. As a sales "professional" (roll your eyes, dear), I know that the customer is always right. But every now and then, just once in a while, is it possible that something can go wrong because of something THEY did?
  61. I tend to have a obsessive/compulsive personality. With working out and eating right, for example, when I go, I go hard. But when I fall, oh boy, do I crash. I keep hearing about this thing called balance. I hope to find it one day.
  62. I help out at our church with the nursery. I love playing with and looking after the kids (ages 1-3), and I help to organize the schedule. It brings me great joy (and good training for the future!).
  63. I help out at our church with food bank. I've gotten to know some good people there, and enjoy helping out. But it bothers me that someone getting food AND diapers AND formula AND a nice warm meal can complain because the bread isn't the brand that they are used to getting. It also irks me that they go outside to smoke after picking up their products. I can't be the only one to see irony in this, can I?
  64. I like the smell and sound of rain. But any more than one hour's worth of rain is hard to handle, especially when June is just around the corner.
  65. Yahoo! Cribbage isn't as much fun as it used to be. And that is a good thing.
  66. Watching the World Series of Poker on TV gives me much pleasure. I like the strategies, the mind games, the competition. I even like Gabe Kaplan as a commentator, but I still can't get past him being Mr. Kotter, Teacher of Sweathogs.
  67. I hate shaving. I always clean up around my neck, and I keep my beard neat and trim. I think I still look professional in it. I usually shave for 3 reasons: for a special occasion (anniversary, wedding, etc.); when Cynthia has had enough of me scratching her face when we kiss; and when my boss comes to town (see item #13).
  68. I don't drink coffee. I love the smell of coffee brewing, but have yet to acquire the taste for it. And I don't see that happening anytime soon.
  69. One of my most cherished moments was driving through 11 states in 12 days with my wife on our honeymoon last year. Not one argument or misunderstanding, just camping, touring, and enjoying being with one another.
  70. I've been married before. My first marriage lasted 7 years, and I never should have married her. Aside from the odd moment of bitterness, I wouldn't change a thing because everything that has happened to me up to this point in my life has brought me to where I am now, and I would not change that for anything.
  71. On a business trip to NW Ontario, my co-workers and I came on to the scene of an accident where a 23 year old man had been killed and we saw his body in the ditch. That vision stayed with me for a long time, and all I could think about was this kid’s parents getting a visit from the police that no parent should ever have to get.
  72. I cut the tip of my finger off making a bowl of coleslaw for dinner. I was 12. Those K-Tel Miracle V-blade machines aren't really that safe after all.
  73. Peas are my favourite vegetable.
  74. I could sit and stare at my wife all day.
  75. I don’t like hockey. I root for the Montreal Canadiens (I have no choice, it is a birthright thing), but I haven’t watched a game in years, and I could care less if the NHL ever plays another game.
  76. My good friend Dino lives in Calgary. We don’t see one another very often (every year or so), but when we do get together, everything falls in to place, and it’s like we just saw one another yesterday. I am grateful for his friendship, and don’t want to lose it.
  77. I like Guinness beer. Like scotch, you have to acquire a taste for it.
  78. I would choose a pinball machine to a video game every time (except maybe Galaga).
  79. I am the "assistant" in a part-time photography business. Oh yeah, my wife is the photographer. I carry around the film and the extra camera, stuff like that. And I enjoy it, because I get to see my wife do one of her favourite things: take amazing pictures of her friends and family.
  80. My ultimate desire would be to become a world-class chef, yet I rarely cook at home.
  81. The sight of Cynthia’s pregnant belly almost makes me cry.
  82. I can juggle 3 balls.
  83. I cannot juggle 4 balls.
  84. I can spin a basketball on my finger.
  85. Nicole and Julie call me "crazy Uncle J-L", and I am very cool with that.
  86. Cherry pie filling straight out of the can is so good that it is sick.
  87. I cannot believe how good my life is now.
  88. I miss my Mémère. She was one of the hippest 96 year old ladies you could ever ask for, and a beautiful woman in every sense of the word. One of my greatest regrets in life is knowing that she will never see my children, and that saddens me.
  89. The best movie that I have ever seen is The Shawshank Redemption.
  90. I lived in Regina for 2 years. It is a nice place, and I met a lot of very good people there, but it was never home.
  91. Winnipeg is home.
  92. I kiss my Mom and Dad when ever I see them, and am very proud of it.
  93. I drive a 2000 Dodge Caravan. I am not a car person at all, but I like my van. It is comfortable, and I know its nuances.
  94. Two of my biggest pet peeves: people who think the world revolves around them, and people who don’t use signal lights when they are driving. Argh, it drives me up the frickin’ wall.
  95. My wife is an amazing hostess. We have people over most Thursday nights. She cooks up these fantastic meals, makes sure that everyone is happy and makes it look effortless.
  96. I think that we are having a girl, Cynthia thinks that we are having a boy. Supper at Green Gates is riding on the outcome.
  97. I’m the only person in my family that thinks George Bush is doing a good job.
  98. My niece Danika and nephew Corin call me by my first name. No "Uncle" or "Mon Oncle", just Jean-Louis. Works for me.
  99. Growing up, I would help my father outside with various projects. We wouldn't talk very much; I would ask him questions and more often than not there would be no reply. It bothered me for a long time, until I got old enough to realize that it was ok, that we didn't have to talk a lot. We were just happy being with one another. I miss that, because we don’t do it very often any more.
  100. I make a mean tuna casserole, just not very often (sorry Moodge).

Friday, May 27, 2005

Kids, they'll just never learn!

So, the question today is: If you're tired at 8:30... So tired, in fact, that you're having a hard time staying awake long enough to get clothes ready for the next day or put the clothes away that you wore that day... WHY on earth would you stay up until 11:30ish? Come on, seriously, WHY? You enJOY feeling like a lump of crap sitting at your desk? Is that it? You don't MIND the feeling of your eyelids being at halfmast? You're OKAY with the only way of staying awake for the day is consuming much more caffeine than what is good for the baby?

Seriously, you'd think with 35 years of experience at this job you'd know better.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Summer, please.

My husband at the computer last night

Some women walk in on their husbands in chat rooms. Some women walk in on their husbands looking at pornography. No, *I* walk in on my husband downloading Il Divo music. Sometimes I think he may actually be a girl.


Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Note to self

Maybe before heading to work in a new maternity skirt you should try it on at home and walk around in it a bit. Just a thought.

I'm now sitting here at work in a skirt that my stomach is not big enough to hold up. Feels very foolish every time I stand up. I don't know HOW those teenage boys do it who like to wear their pants well below their waists. I'd like to go for a walk at lunch since the sun is shining but I'm far too self conscious that my skirt may suddenly be swirling down by my ankles. I mean, my underwear is cute and all but I'm still not quite THAT much of an exhibitionist.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Fields of Dandelions

I am fortunate enough to drive past several fields of dandelions on my drive to and from work. And every time I do I smile. I know some of you may question my sanity but my family won't. You see, my father loved dandelions. He never understood how someone had decided to define them as a weed. He would pick handfuls of them (along with the purple thistle flower and other flowers some might define as weeds) and present the bouquets to my mother. He was a very scientific, intellectual man but he did have an eye for beauty and his bouquets could stand up against any professional bouquet ever created.

I miss him, especially in springtime. He loved spring. (Incidentally, he also marked on the calendar the first day he heard a frog croak in the summer.)

I hope I never drive by a field of dandelions without thinking of him.

Thanks for all the memories!

Wow, 39! Big year!

Happy birthday, sis!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

The Big Day

Well, today is the day. I decided to start wearing maternity clothes last night. I still genuinely feel like I'm faking it but I have to admit it feels a lot more comfortable than my regular clothes. So, perhaps this is a turning point. And, don't tell anyone but the blouse is actually pink. SHH! (See item #87) Crazy thing is, I actually LIKE it and feel pretty in it. Tee hee. What, am I suddenly turning into a girl? Crazy hormones!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

How to make my bad day a little cheerier.

Step 1: Bring me flowers to work.

Addendum to Step 1: Bonus points if they happen to be lilies - one of my favorites.

Step 2: Along with the flowers, drop off some lemonade for me at work; at least during THIS pregnancy that's a "needed" step.

Step 3: Go home from work early to do the dishes AND to wash the floor before I get home.

Step 4: Wrap up the day by going for a long, leisurely walk with me and end THAT walk by buying me a treat at 7-Eleven.

See, I TOLD you he's a keeper.

And, here's a quote that suits my current (more pleasant than my last post) mood of today:

The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created spring.
- Bern Williams

Monday, May 16, 2005

And the truth shall set you free?

I hope so. Right now I'm sitting here doubting it very much.

A coworker (CW) and I had a run-in last week. She screamed at me until her face was red and her blood vessels were bulging out on her neck. I reacted as calmly as I could. And yet, she screamed. This went on for about 15 minutes. I was VERY close to quitting as I have never in my life been treated like that and felt it was completely unacceptable. However, eventually she calmed down and we were able to speak to each other frankly and openly. We have had a tough relationship since the day I started. I could go into months of history with this person but at the moment I'm too weary. At the end of our meeting I actually felt like we were on better ground than we ever had been. We opened up and decided we would forget the past and strive for a new relationship based on more communication and honesty. (We have to work very closely together so this is a huge positive step for us.)

The next day I sent an email to my team leader (TL) begging her not to confront this person or talk to me about it. (Everyone in the office heard the screaming and wondered what was up.) I explained to my TL that things were better now and that it was best not to rehash the situation. TL seemed okay with this.

Fast forward to today. The boss (TB) is back. My TL spoke to TB about it as she felt it was unacceptable behaviour entirely. While I agree I KNOW that there is no use in opening the can of worms again. Sigh. Unfortunately, TB felt differently and at this very moment TL and TB are in confronting my CW about the screaming.

And I feel sick. I know that my CW will react strongly and defend herself to the end. I know that she is in the midst of bringing up the items she screamed at me about. I know that she is feeling trapped in a corner (as most people would) and I'm quite sure that she now believes I "tattled" on her.

The work we went through that afternoon will be for nothing. She won't trust me again and our relationship will suck again.

But, allegedly, the truth will set me free. I did NOT sell her out, I NEVER lied to my TL about what went on and I apologized for the item she yelled at me for.

So, why do sit here feeling so very sick?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Okay, so maybe I HAVEN'T seen it all

Every once in awhile I get a feeling that I've seen it all now. Surely I've seen the last item that has tongue-tied me. Well, no, apparently that's not true.

Proof: Two things that completely dumbfounded me today.

1) Apparently you can buy your dog a $50 bone to chew on. Oh yeah, AND a dog bowl worth $120. Has it really come to this? Have dogs evolved so much in our society that they TOO now care about having name brand products? I'd best not buy a dog. I'd probably [cowering in shame] feed him/her out of a used margarine container.

2) I received a wedding invitation. Wait for it. That's not what dumbfounded me, silly. Do you KNOW where the wedding is? Of course not, I haven't told you yet! I almost hesitate typing this because I'm afraid you will now think less of ME. The wedding is at Hooters! What the [sorry, Mom, but I honestly feel a curse word IS needed right now] fuck is up with THAT?! I honestly thought it was a joke at first. I had to ask around a bit. Nope, no joke, a genuine wedding. So, is the bride going to slap the groom upside the face when his eyes wander? Is the bride going to dress like this?

Final note: As some of you may be wondering, the person in item #2 is someone who works in another office on the same floor I do. I'm also a bit dumbfounded as to why I received an invite as I do believe we've probably had 3 conversations in total.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Here, here!

I've liked Cate Blanchett for sometime now. And when I say "liked" I mean strictly in her ability to act. However, this morning I read a quote of hers and respect her as a human being as well. Her response to the Botox insanity:

Blanchett says, "It's not just women on film, 18-year-old girls feel pressure to do preventative injecting. I see someone's face, someone's body who'd had children and I think they're the song lines of your experience, and why would you want to eradicate that? I look at people sort of entombing themselves and all you see is their little pin holes of terror... and you think, just live your life, death is not going to be any easier just because your face can't move."

Monday, May 09, 2005

I think it just hit

I've heard of pregnant women being bit my the nesting instinct and wanting nothing more than to clean and organize their home. I wondered if I'd get it. I kind of hoped so seeing as our place could do with a thorough cleaning.

Well, I think this morning it officially hit and I'm anxious to leave work so that I can go home and clean and organize. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right now. That's fine. I'd probably do the same if I read someone else's blog where they were excited about cleaning. My guess is that my sick husband won't be too thrilled with me when he's trying to get some rest.

Man I hope this doesn't pass before 4:30.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

May 8, 1967

It's my boy's birthday this Sunday. We have nothing unusual or exciting planned. We don't really work that way. Our life together has been both common and unbelievably comfortable since the moment it started (July 26, 2003). In fact, I often joke that we've only been on 6 dates together. We got into a groove so quickly that within the first couple of weeks we were an unstoppable team already. I know it's early but I wanted to publicly wish him a "Happy Birthday". Besides, the card I bought leaves little room for expressing myself. And hey, there's nothing wrong with you guys knowing how gosh darn lucky I am.

And so, one of the things I do best: A List!

20 things I love about my boy:

1) Not a day goes by where he doesn't talk to our "peanut".

2) That the show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition makes him cry nearly every single time.

3) His dedication to get up at 5 am every morning to head off for the gym. I'm in awe.

4) That he is a clean, neat and tidy man. I have no horror stories of underwear being strewn about. He doesn't leave the dishes for me to do. In fact, I believe that since we've been together he has cleaned the tub, vacuumed the rugs, washed the dishes, done the laundry, dusted... all more than I have.

5) That he has been appreciative of every meal I've cooked and thanks me (genuinely) every single time.

6) That on Saturday mornings when I "need" to sleep in he gets out of bed so as not to toss and turn and keep me awake.

7) Sometimes, on a Friday, he will sneak home to do up the dishes left over from our houseful of guests on Thursday.

8) I have lost count of the number of bouquets I have received at work. One of my coworkers cynically told me it would stop once we were married. He's proven her wrong more than once.

9) He has never suggested that I could do something a little more like his mother or his first wife.

10) He makes me laugh every single day. He is a lover of silly.

11) He doesn't really fit any male stereotype. I don't think he's watched a single game of sports since we've been together. He goes to Grey Cup parties out of obligation, not out of desire. He doesn't give a hoot about cars or car paraphernalia. He doesn't care about having a fancy stereo. He doesn't own any computer games or an X box. He really doesn't enjoy golfing 'nor does he sit for hours on end watching tv in his underwear.

12) We share a love of going for leisurely walks holding hands.

13) He connects with children like few men I have ever seen or met. Mothers often marvel when jr. will go and willingly sit on his lap when he/she is typically very shy.

14) He is a genuinely good person. He would bend over backwards to do something sweet and kind not only for me but for my friends and family as well. On a regular basis I look over and see him doing something nice for someone and I am overwhelmed with pride.

15) He does not spend money foolishly.

16) He adores me.

17) He is a gentleman. He opens doors for me and goes out to start the van for me in winter so that it can be "warm" when I get there. He leaves for work before I do and before he goes he sweeps the snow off my car. He says please and thank-you to me and others.

18) He is very respectful. Of his mother, of my mother, of me, of people in the service industry...

19) He is NOT on cocaine nor is he bisexual. Sorry, that deserves a story: Let's just chalk it up to insane pregnant dreams that I wish I could forget.

20) We share the touch language of love. We cuddle before bed and during the night if we both wake. I lean on him, lay my head on his lap or put my legs on his lap while we watch tv together. We hold hands while driving, while singing in church and while walking.

Awhile before I got into a relationship with my husband I watched the movie Moonlight Mile. In there was the following quote:

Jo Jo Floss: When I go to bed at night I do 4 things. I drop my robe, slide under the sheets, turn on my left side and stick out my ass. That's it. That's the signal. I just - I back it right up there because I know when I do, no matter how cold the damn thing is, no matter how difficult it might feel, no matter how desperately we want to kill each other it's gonna be met by this warm body on the other side that's gonna hold it. Two arms that... wrap around, pull me out of my head, quiet the voices, save me from myself... without ever having to ask. Every night, 31 years. Every night there's my ass and every night... he never lets me down.

Jo Jo Floss: You find your home, and it may not be what you thought - you know; colour's off, style's wrong... but there it is anyway and to hell with you if you can't take a joke.

Jo Jo Floss: You find your home. Ben's mine.

I longed for that and feel blessed now to be able to say that I've found my home.

Anyone want to join me?

I feel like playing hooky today. I'm in far too good a mood to be sitting here at work for the next 6.5 hours. Plus, it's going to be 21 degrees out today. There should be a law about shutting down the office in this city if it's going to be 21 degrees on May 5.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Pregnancy updates

Last night I got a telephone call from my doctor's office. They just wanted to tell me that we got the OB that we'd requested. During the conversation the receptionist mentioned that "he will be doing your delivery". And, I got a feeling of sudden terror. It's not necessarily new to me but it was just another reminder. THIS KID HAS TO COME OUT OF ME! There is no turning back now. At some point in the next 5 months I will be experiencing worse pain than I ever have in my life. And please, all you sappy mothers out there, don't try and encourage me with words of "yes, but there will be joy at the end of it". I'm aware of that as well. But, at this moment, that won't really help the hyperventilating.

And, I received a parcel notice in the mail yesterday. I do believe it will be my maternity clothes. Tonight on my drive home I will pick them up. And I will see if I love them, if they fit or if this was a rather expensive lesson for ccap.

Monday, May 02, 2005


Perhaps someone out there in blog world can tell me what I should write the day after watching my mother, at age 67, get married to a man I barely know.

Perhaps someone can tell me how I could have made it through the ceremony without crying when what I REALLY wanted was to watch her hold my DAD'S hand, not this man's.

Perhaps someone can reassure me that Everything Will Be Okay. That things won't change as much as I think they will.

Perhaps someone can persuade me to still share as much with my mom as I do now even though I know she will then be sharing those things with someone that I'm not close to.

Perhaps there is someone who has some words of advice on how to just be happy for her and her newfound happiness.

Perhaps someone strongly believes that he's NOT too old for her and that her days will NOT change from giggling with her fellow single friends over coffee to days of being tied down nursing a man 9 years her senior.

Perhaps someone can offer something to help me reduce this swelling in my throat and the constant watering in my eyes.