Previously: The rants and ramblings of a stubborn, sarcastic, opinionated, romantic cynic.
Now basically: Little snippets of my life with a preschooler and a school-aged kid.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I may as well admit it, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself today. I know, I know, you're thinking "oh, and that's NEW?"
I like Thanksgiving. No, scratch that, I LOVE Thanksgiving.
I love the food. All of it. The chicken, the stuffing, the corn, the bubbat (a family/cultural tradition), Mom's bean salad, the pumpkin pie... Possibly my favorite meal of the year.
I love the last few days of warmth.
I love the day off from work.
I love the time spent with family.
I love the slow wandering through fallen leaves.
Last year's especially was completely dreamy. It was fabulously warm out all weekend. Sunday involved a picnic in the park with my favourite sister and her family followed by a drive out to my brother's place out in the country. Other than the family farm (which now belongs to someone else) this is the ideal place to spend Thanksgiving. We ate supper out on their new verandah. All that glorious food AND the outdoors? What more could you ask for? I feel lazy, blessed and warm just remembering it.
The next day only added to the blessing. I got to plant hundreds of flower bulbs with my brother in his new flower garden. One of my favouritest (yes, it's a word for now) things to do is to plant flower bulbs and my favouritest person to do it with is my brother, Dwight. Hands down. No-one really comes close.
Wrap that up with a wiener roast with my entire family present and I can't think of a more contented weekend. So, why am I feeling sorry for myself today? I just realized that 58.8% of my family is currently many hundreds of miles away. There will be no repeat of last year. Sob.
Within less than a week we will be in a new abode. Ahh. I look forward to it. A new home. A new place to decorate. A new kitchen to organize. Where's the best place for the cutlery? What about the spices? A nursery! gulp. Makes me giddy in anticipation. Some place fresh, some place different. And (for the first while at least) a place free of clutter and mess.
Really gotta keep my focus on that though 'cause right now all the packing and cleaning that is yet to be done seems completely exhausting.
Had a photo session at my sister's last night. Tried a few different artistic ideas. I'm not going to put any of those shots on here yet as I really want to see what they look like in black & white first. But, I thought I would put on a new belly shot. It's hard for me to believe that that skin still has 5.5 weeks (plus?) of give left to it.
I work in an office. This means dressing up daily. I really don't mind doing this. I enjoy suits and nice shoes. But, when I get home I am quite pleased to be able to remove said suits and shoes in favour of more comfortable clothing. This is especially enjoyable in the winter as one thing I do NOT like to wear (and have to in our weather) are (is?) nylons. What a pleasure it is to pull those tight, restrictive items off at the end of a long day.
I still look forward to that every day. Except now I've realized that I CAN'T remove the tight, restrictive item as it's actually my skin and body and not my clothes. What's a girl to do?
I know, I know, it will all be over soon. But I still like to record these memories for future reading.
As of today, I have decided my last day of work will be October 19th. (This may change depending on baby and exhaustion.)
This means (excluding a holiday and 2 vacation days for packing and moving) that I will be working here 21 more days.
The thought of this both excites and terrifies me in equal measure.
I don't know if I know how NOT to work. And yet, I'm fascinated to see what it's like. With the exception of school and a stint of unemployment I've been working since I was 15. That's 20 years for those of you who don't enjoy math.
I know people often say that I'll be surprised at how busy I'll be with the baby and I'm sure that's true but the idea of not needing to dress up every morning or be out of the house at a scheduled time seems surreal at the moment.
I think my biggest fear is lack of adult conversation and no intellectual stimulation. Thank goodness for friends and a close family. Unfortunately, I HATE the phone and another fear I have is not reaching out enough due to this intense dislike.
Apparently Britney has had her baby. Which makes me happy on one level. Why? Because I had this fear that we'd have our babies on the same day and I just didn't really want to inflict that on my child.
But, now I am gripped by another fear. What if she uses the name that we have chosen for our child? We have one name (and ONLY one) picked for each sex. If she uses our name I think I may just puke.
I've been thinking about writing a long-winded post on here about my pregnancy just to be able to work through some of it. I often find putting thoughts on paper (or computer?) therapeutic. But, some of this is just so very personal and painful that I'm just not sure it's something I want to share with just anyone. I'll keep thinking about it but for now, something more positive. Yes, it's still partially about pregnancy but a slightly more positive spin.
Sunday was another rough day for me. I felt sick (yup, the nausea is back - gosh darnit how I missed it) and very tired. And, I felt as though I was barely hanging on by a thread emotionally. I wasn't exactly sure why I even went to church.
But, I know now.
It wasn't for the "message" although my sister did a good job of speaking and leading a panel discussion. It wasn't for the music or songs although that was really good too. Nope, it was for the coffee time afterwards. Just another reminder of how blessed I am to be in the church that I'm in. Three (count them, THREE) women took the time out to come talk to me and share with me how much their pregnancies sucked. I've been feeling so very alone so often in this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I have probably the world's most supportive, helpful and loving husband. But, it just seemed every woman I talked to had had so few negative things with their pregnancies that I was feeling that either I'm a big whiner or that I'm the exception to every rule about pregnancy. And I just can't seem to avoid the guilt. HOW can I hate this time so much when I've got a baby growing inside of me? When there are so many women out there who would give their left arms (right arms, boobs, legs et al.) to be able to be pregnant? But, for those brief moments on Sunday those feelings slid away. I felt blessed and I felt loved and I didn't feel alone.
Four other really pleasant moments of hope/blessing/support from the past few days:
1) A wonderfully supportive email from my sister that made me cry. 2) A long conversation with a close friend on Saturday who may never have been pregnant but knows about depression and would never roll her eyes or just say "it's simply hormonal" when I discussed my "fear" that I was suffering from prenatal depression. 3) A homemade quilt given to me by "Oma" (not really my Oma or my child's Oma but rather the resident Oma in our church) for our Peanut. Both her and her husband were so cute and tickled in giving the gift and as I'm quite fond of homemade gifts I was quite tickled as well. 4) My husband just stopped by my work to bring me a hot water bottle for my back. Just one small sign of his love for me. (Last week he came by with flowers one day and one of my favorite candies on another day.)