To quote my husband: Greasers*!

My car has this annoying habit of not locking properly if it gets too wet. I'm not talking just rain but if I drive through a few too many gigantic puddles. Typically this only happens about once or twice a year. The electric (or should it be electronic?) locks simply do not work. There's little that I know to do with this situation except to be careful. I try to ensure that everything of value is out of the car on those occasions and I make sure I put the club on as well.

And, as anyone living in Winnipeg can imagine, this happened last night.

It was fairly clear this morning, as I climbed into the car, that someone had noticed the unlocked car and felt this was an invitation to them. Everything was dumped out of the glove compartment and the console was open with its contents scattered about the car. Nothing (as far as I can tell) was taken. The ironic thing was (is that an appropriate use of the word ironic? I'm never quite sure) that the little holder with change still contained all its change.

It's interesting to me how this brings out two such varied emotions:

Anger: How DARE you enter my car! How DARE you make me feel awkward driving to work, imagining that someone was sitting in there while I was sleeping. What exactly is going on in your head as you rifle through my personal stuff? Are you at least feeling guilty?

Humour: (I recognize humour is not so much an emotion but I'm not sure what other one fits because I didn't feel happy per se.) Oh you poor, poor thing. When you entered into this car last night I'm SURE you thought you'd find SOMETHING. A cd, a camera, some cash, a cell phone... SOMETHING. But no. You ended up climbing into MY car. Old cassettes that no-one (well, except maybe my sister) but me would even WANT to listen to. A small container with some bandaids in it. An old pair of shoes. This still makes me smile a little. What a disappointment that must have been.

But, don't let that smile fool you, next time STAY OUT OF MY CAR, Greaser! Didn't your mother teach you better than to mess with stuff that wasn't yours!?

* Greasers is basically his universal name for anyone a little on the shady side.

A Toast

Here's to driving for hours on end with my husband! (Something we enjoyed immensely on our honeymoon.)
Here's to going to see a movie or two with my brother!
Here's to a hug from my niece (I do believe she gives the best ones EVER)!
Here's to watching my nephew race on his bike!
Here's to being away from this place for over a week!
Here's to lots and lots of walks with various combinations of my Calgary family!
Here's to hanging with my sister-in-law!
Here's to wandering through the mountains with my boy!

and

Here's to wrapping up the week with a couple of glorious days at Folk Fest!

Oh dear.

I am soooo on holiday mode already. Not good. I'm going to leave so much work for people here it's nutty. Now, if this affected My Least Favorite Coworker I'd be quite okay with it but no, it has to affect My Very Favorite Coworker. sigh. And then MLFC will get on the back of MVFC and for THAT I feel very bad. And yet, for some odd reason, not bad enough to get my butt in gear and do some work.

Good/bad

Bad:
- I have gas pains that are making my already engorged stomach seem twice the size and twice as painful.
- My bra squeaks every time I walk. What is up with that?
- I have to go to the doctor today and get to find out that yes, I am indeed still gaining weight at a breakneck speed.
- I am trying (unsuccessfully) not to be bitter towards someone who has changed my life in more negative ways than in positive ways. Trying to remind myself that he is making someone I love happy.
- I have more work to do than I can get done before my week off.
- Our bedroom is a pigsty.

Good:
- I'm going on holidays in a couple of days.
- I have delicious cherries sitting in my fridge at home that will be a delightful snack later on today.

Hey, I'm TRYING.

Thoughts on my drive home last night (in no particular order)

(1) I'm very happy to receive hand-me-down maternity clothes but nearly 100% of my own clothes have the tags cut out of them because they drive me to drink and I don't really want to drink while with child. But, what am I supposed to do with borrowed clothes? Surely it's rude to cut the tags out of other people's clothing.

(2) Why exactly should I let you in now? You saw the upcoming merge just as well as I did.

(3) Writing lists while driving is probably even MORE dangerous than talking on a phone while driving.

(4) Big, juicy raindrops are a lot more enjoyable after a hot day than they were after 10+ days of only rain.

(5) What would possess someone to smoke a joint [Is that still the "in" word for it?] while driving down the road at 4:30 in the afternoon? What type of person does that? [Aside: Yes, I know it was a joint, the sweet-smelling smoke was wafting into my open window from their car.]

(6) While the art of changing clothes while driving still pleases me it is certainly a little trickier with this newly formed belly.

(7) Toto really should be proud of that line [Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti]. It's not every songwriter who could fit the words Kilmanjaro, Olympus and Serengeti into a song let alone in the same line!

News? Really?

Oy ve!

It really bothers me that:

(1) One woman has enough clout to affect the sales of a store.
(2) It HAS to be turned into a racial issue.
(3) It makes the news that someone was turned away from a store.
(4) That said store has to issue an apology!
(5) That I even took the time to READ such rubbish.

But, if I could afford it I'd like to go shopping there. Unlike some though, I'd try to go when the store was still open.

Lyrics

I'm a lover of great lyrics and very critical of cheesy lyrics. I think there are a lot of songs out there where someone took all the lame lyrics the world had to offer, threw them in a blender and felt completely content with the indefinable juice-like substance that came out. It breaks my heart that so many of the most popular songs fit in this category.

I think, besides being poetically twisted about in a singular way, what I like most in lyrics is honesty. This honesty takes different shapes and brings out different emotions in me. Here are 4 songs that have been rattling through my brain a lot the last few days. No particular reason. Anyone know the singers/authors/titles of all 4 without looking it up on the net?

(1)
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

(2)
Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affection
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

(3)
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

(4)
And if I am a sailor,
then you are the warm gulf wind,
and you've blown into this little port
and roused my dreams again.

My dancer

Luke 1:41 "When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb"

I have to say that I have fallen in love with this baby in my womb.

Yes, there are days I weary of the extra weight and the fact that my ass is growing at the same rate as my belly (if not faster). But that is in no way Peanut's fault. That is STRICTLY as a result of Peanut's mother having no sense of control over her eating habits.

I love feeling the baby move inside me. I had no idea how much I would love that. How much I would need that. Every movement I feel us bonding more. It is a joy to me to feel the kicks, hiccups, whatever. To sit at my desk and have this secret/private time with my child. It has become comfort, familiarity and it makes me smile.

Things I wish I could say to my coworkers but can't

1) It's hard for me to be sitting at my desk nearly in tears over how busy I am only to overhear you giggling with each other in the coffee room.

2) I don't understand how it's okay for you to come in day after day at 9 o'clock and not feel the least bit guilty.

3) I'm sorry that I don't always seem sociable or happy. I am both sociable AND happy outside of this place.

4) I won't miss you much when I go on mat leave. Oh, I'm sure there will be times when I will miss idle chatter but I don't think I will miss any of you (as individuals) extensively.

5) Why exactly should *I* answer the door for the 14th time today when you have spent half the day having personal conversations and I'm going to be here well past closing time?

This too shall pass.

It's not that I hate my job. In fact, what I do fits right in with what I enjoy doing. It's just so stinkin' hard working in an office like this where no-one ever offers to help out.

Dads

This morning I read a few blogs where people were saying marvelous things about their dads and about their children's fathers as well. And so here I sit at my desk in tears. I'm sure one day it will get easier. I'm sure one day I won't burst into tears at inopportune moments.

I just hope I never forget.

I hope I never forget his eyebrows.
I hope I never forget the sight of him hunched over the stove frying up his ritualistic morning egg.
I hope I never forget the joy he found in leading his grandchildren around on the horse.
Or his methodical signature.
Or his worn farmer's hands.
Or his love for God and his family.
Or his smirk.
Or the sound of his voice belting out a hymn Sunday mornings while waking himself, from his tractor out on the field or from the yard while carrying pails of chop.
Or his pride in me. In my spunk, in my brains, in my opinions.
Or the way he would nap on a Sunday afternoon. Fetal-like on the couch with his hands tucked between his knees.
Or the way he would keep track of his finances meticulously.
Or his teasing of Mom in her speed lawn-mowing or her "failed" buns.
His love of the Olympics.
Of history.
Of geography.
Of knowledge.
Of politics.
Of the Bible.

Shortly before his death I took a drive out to visit him. Spontaneously. Mom was away and I just wanted to see what life was like for Dad when Mom was away. I cling fiercely to those memories. We took a walk that Saturday. I wanted to finish mowing the lawn but I'm so glad I took the time for that walk. We walked out to the dugout to see a mother goose and her goslings. That was my dad. A busy man but a man that had a love for nature like few I've met before or since.

I don't know that I'll ever see goslings and not think of him. And that makes me happy and I'm sure it does him too.

Exhibit A

There it was Father's Day and I got to have one very clear example that My Boy will make a good father. Sitting in his sister's living room decorated with makeup. Eyes shadowed in a lovely shade of blue by his niece Nicole. Lips shiny and purple complements of his niece Danika. One big toe painted with several layers of orange nail polish by his niece Julie. And the other toe a shocking pink colour.

And I love him and and his child will love him. This I know.

Sigh

I am, my dear friends, for the most part a very practical person. I don't tend to need a lot of material possessions and most things need to have a purpose in order for me to want them. There are, however, exceptions and this is one of them. Good gosh. Could you GET any cuter than that? The emotions it brings out in me are pretty much the opposite from those I feel about the Hummer. There is currently one (in silver with black trim) outside my work that I pass by more than once a day. I nearly feel like cuddling it and taking it home every time I see it.

My week 20 belly shot.

Whoa! Check out those washboard abs!

The Piano Recital

Best dress
Hair combed
Nervous eyes darting about the room
Fidgeting with your glasses, your face, your clothes
Oh the anticipation

Quick steps to the piano
Biting your lip, your inner cheek
Concentration
Counting quietly
Leg wrapped around the piano leg
Self-conscious smirk at a mistake

Rushing back to your chair
Your seat
Your parents
Safety

I wonder if you know that everyone in the room wants the best for you?
I wonder if there is this amount of humanity, this amount of grace, at a kids' hockey game?

Three completely random thoughts

1) Saw a shirt the other day that made me chuckle: "I may have Alzheimer's but at least I don't have Alzheimer's".

2) Can someone explain these Elton John lyrics to me?

You don't need a prayer
And there's no price to ask why
Sometimes you'll find an answer in the sky

I just don't follow. Where in the sky is it? If I stare long enough at the current gray, overcast sky will I suddenly have a lightbulb moment? Am I just not being romantic or poetic enough?

3) Another question that perhaps someone out there in blogworld can answer: How can this baby inside me at one point feel as though he/she weighs mere grams and the next moment feel as though he/she weighs about 10 pounds already?

And then some days it comes down to this.

16 days until we go to Calgary.
34 days until we go to NYC.
and if our baby is born on his/her due date:
137 days until our baby is born.

And, after taking 2 hours of work home, I once again wonder how they'll manage without me.

And there you were

It's been a few days but the images stay with me still.

I'd been to an ultrasound before but didn't really see much so I didn't have much in the way of expectations. Maybe it's different when it's your own though, I don't know. I was stunned and tickled all at the same time. We could see your hands, your feet, your legs, your arms, your head, your eye sockets, your chin, your ribcage, your spine...

And everything became so very real to me. There you were - inside of ME. MY baby. I'm not the most emotional person around (as you'll find out one day) but those images got me. I felt so personally connected with you. My life is forever changed. I'm going to be somebody's mommy. YOUR mommy. What a sense of joy and responsibility that brings me.

Your fist was clenched. The technician tried to persuade you to open it. He prodded and poked. You would move your arm but you refused to open your hand. I smiled. Two thoughts came to mind: (1) You're the boss right now. For perhaps the only time in your life no-one can tell you what to do. Enjoy it! (2) You're MY child. You come by your stubbornness honestly.

Thanks for being so clear to me. I needed that.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that fully well." Psalm 139:13&14

Interview time

Because I asked her to, Stephanie (creature bug) has asked me some interview questions and here are my responses:

1. What's the best gift you ever received as a child? (let's say...under age 16)

Boy, tough call. I think I'd have to say my guitar which was a really big deal since we typically didn't get such big gifts.

2. If you could have a celebrity as a neighbor, who would you choose and why? (It can be just one celebrity or a married celebrity couple.)

Now, as I'm a movie fan AND a thinker I could obsess about this question for far too long. However, I'm not going to and I'm just going to say Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Partly because I like Gwyneth as an actress and partly because I quite like Chris' songwriting abilities.

3. Describe to me your favorite memory from your wedding.

Hmm, another hard one. I'm copping out and picking 3:
1) Preparing the wedding meal with my boy.
2) The flowers that my friend had set up at the reception to help the place look like an indoor garden.
3) The kids from our church singing.

4. If money was no object, where would you love to own a vacation home?

Finally, an easy one. Hands down this would be somewhere in Australia - probably close to Brisbane. Of all the places I've been Australia is the place I could see myself living permanently.

5. If you were to create a time capsule of your life so far, what three (or four or five...I hate to limit your imagination) things would be included. Explain the significance of each item.

1) Definitely a photo album filled with photos of my life so far: youth, travels, friends, family, wedding... Self-explanatory.
2) The Chronicles of Narnia- probably the books that had the most impact on me as a youth and a lover of books.
3) My old passports. Helps the person digging it up understand my passion of travel.
4) My collection of Folk Fest wristbands and/or programs. Again, helps to define me. I'd want the person digging it up to understand some of the facets of my personality.

and the question I'm asking everyone just because I'm curious --
6. What non-religious book do you think everyone should read?

ONE?! Only one!? Gosh I just don't know. Perhaps The Poisonwood Bible to admire Barbara Kingsolver's talent as a writer. And, since I CAN'T just pick one I'm going to say Tuesdays With Morrie as well. Just so you know what's going on in my brain: I went with books I not only liked but books that I think most people would like. I'd hate to pick something too quirky and reveal something private about my personality. :-)

And, since I HAVE to follow rules, let me know if you want me to interview you. I LOVE coming up with questions.

The Official Interview Game Rules

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me." (Make sure I have your email address.)

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

Well, THAT sucked.

During the day yesterday I realized I needed some plans for the evening. I needed Something To Do or I'd go bonkers over this stupid rainy weather. So, I spoke to my husband and we arranged something to do. A fun evening of the 2 of us hanging out at home doing a craft of sorts. Something we both enjoy. Plus, I had an idea for supper that was appealing to me. Nothing fancy but the perfect cozy meal to enjoy on a gray day. My evening was looking up.

And then 4:30 came and I walked out to a car with a flat tire. Dang it! Under normal circumstances I am well aware that I can change a tire. I've changed many tires in my time. But, I was wearing a short skirt, high heeled shoes AND I'm pregnant. Not exactly normal circumstances. I know I could have called CAA but I was tired and grumpy and didn't feel like waiting for them. Typically I'd just call my husband but I knew that his boss was in town and that they were having a staff meeting. I didn't want to be one of THOSE wives that interrupts during meetings to have her husband come rescue her. And so I trudged off to the bus in my too-stupid-for-pregnancy shoes in the rain without an umbrella. Ahh, what a lovely start to an evening! Mood completely changed. No happy little evening of a lovely supper followed by our "craft". (No, there's nothing secretive about the craft but rather just something that would show you how truly geeky we both are and I'm trying to keep that slightly hidden.) Instead, an evening filled with a couple miscommunicating and snapping at each other for the first hour followed by a second hour of waiting at a repair shop only to discover that the tire will need replacing and CAN'T be fixed.

I guess my "need" to be out of the house was fulfilled in some crazy way. And tonight it will be again as we drive off to Ile des Chenes in the hopes of getting a new tire for cheaper than what they quoted us last night. What fun!

Just wondering...

How much money do you have to earn in order NOT to be stressed out about the cost of a Hummer? I saw one on the way to work and I wondered what goes through the brain of someone who buys one? They must be so exceedingly different from me. There is no WAY (with the genetic makeup I have) I could EVER justify that kind of showiness for that kind of expense for that kind of uselessness for that kind of environmental damage. NEVER, no matter HOW much I earn.

Doctor's Appointment

Another doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait long. We walked in to see the place packed with people waiting. I guess they must have been waiting for one of the other 2 doctors there.

My gp (as I believe I've mentioned before) is not the touchy-feely type. And, as someone who is ALSO like that, works fine for me. She does the job, is professional and knowledgeable, listens to any questions and treats me with respect. This is really all I need. However, there were 2 moments yesterday that have me smiling still so I had to share them:

1) She lifted up my shirt to check on the baby's heartbeat. Upon seeing my stomach she called it "cute". How odd hearing that from a doctor. But hey, I'd take that over a gasp any day. :-)

2) Just before we were leaving she told me that I was beautiful. Which, once again, my brow furrowed in confusion. This alone was unusual but then she also reminded J-L that he should always remember to tell me that. Tee hee. Apparently she's a marriage counselor too.

J-L and I giggled our way out and both seriously wondered if she'd dipped into the vodka mere moments before our appointment.

Soapbox

Please, allow my feet to be firmly planted on my crate wherein I will drone on and on about something you probably care little about and wonder why exactly ccap is getting so bent out of shape. This is what I do: feel strongly about things and feel the need to share my eye-rolling opinions with other people. It's a curse.

Today's topic: People who work too hard or obsess too much about how they want to give their kids more than they had. Now, before I begin let me assure you that I'm well aware that I don't have kids and perhaps my opinion will completely change once I DO have kids. If that happens please feel free to come on here at any time and draw this post to my attention. I'll deserve it and will eat my share of the humble pie as needed.

If I could give my kids HALF of what my parents gave me I'd think I was doing a bang-up job.

We did not have a lot of money growing up. We didn't get the latest, coolest toy or a car when we were 16 or bought cookies. I didn't get a regular allowance nor did we get treats every time Mom went to the grocery store. I have a very vivid memory of the first time I got to eat an ice cream sandwich and the first time I stayed in a hotel. We NEVER (and I don't mean rarely, I honestly mean never) ate out at restaurants for meals. We might get to eat at Macdonalds once a year if we were lucky. My clothes were for the most part hand-me-downs or homemade.

But here's what I DID get:
I got to ride horses pretty much since I could walk.
I learned how to cook a meal and bake a cake before I was 12.
I went to church every Sunday.
I planted garden with my mom for as long as I can remember.
I learned to appreciate that things cost money and to feel grateful for the things received.
I got to have waterfights with my mom.
I learned how to think for myself from my father.
I learned a love of books and of knowledge.
I learned that if I'm bored I'm the only one that can change that.

We sat together for supper. We prayed together before supper. We worked together in the house and in the field and in the barn. My parents were the bosses and we would be disciplined when it was needed.

Have we gotten completely confused in what is of value? I recognize that I will take my kids to Macdonalds and I'm fooling myself if I think otherwise. I recognize that they are likely going to have more toys and they will most definitely go to more movies. I'm quite sure they'll spend more time than necessary in front of the tv. I know that there will be times when I will buy them stuff they don't need because I think it's cute or I just feel like it. I know all that and I know there are many other things I will learn once I'm a parent. I just hope I don't ever scoff at what my parents gave me or try too hard to give my kids more 'cause more is not necessarily what's best.

Update

As I'm sure you all care: I know the person who is arranging the bouquets and centrepieces for the legendary Hooters wedding. And, da-da-dum-dum, there are bales of hay involved. Ahh, all's right with the world after all.

:-)

Pollyanna time.

For the past few weeks I have taken work home more than half of the evenings. I do not do this to charm my employer or to receive heaps of gratitude. I do this as a survival tool for myself only. But, as I sat and cried while I worked last night for an extra hour or two I realized I am weary of this and I also realized that with my struggles at work and with my struggles over weight gain AND with all the rain we've been having I'm heading down a path I don't like. A path of feeling sorry for myself and being sad more often than I am happy. And it's time to turn that around. With baby steps at least. One baby step for today is that I will NOT take work home this weekend. And my other baby step for now is a list of things to be grateful for:

1) The maternity skirt that I am wearing today is exceedingly comfortable.
2) Due to the continual rain, tomorrow I am having a mini movie day with 2 people who love me and love movies about as much as I do.
3) It's Friday.
4) I have Jann Arden's latest cd playing on my cd player.
5) The cake that I baked for work (and for tonight's supper) was a delicious mid-morning snack.
6) A week from today I get to see my baby on an ultrasound.
7) My boy, who is on a business trip right now, is missing me as I am missing him. He never told me this, I just know. :-)
8) I had a lovely talk with my brother last night. He was inviting me out to his place before the tulips (that we planted together last fall) were done blooming. It was very kind of him to realize that that might matter to me.
9) I DIDN'T swallow my engagement ring. (Yup, another one of those insane pregnant dreams.)
10) One day I will get to take cool black & white photos of my baby. And THAT, my friends, will fill up my maternity leave if nothing else. :-)

Love

Okay, I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or my romantic side coming out but this made me tear up. Pretty much gives me the opposite reaction to my last link. Please, God, let them die on the same night holding each other's hands. It only seems fair.

Everybody now: Ahhh.

J-L, Rod's got ya beat by 22 years.

What I want to know is: Do all of his 5 (6 soon) of his kids and their 4 (5 soon) respective mothers get together for a nice cozy Christmas gathering?

Doesn't the thought of that just make you feel warm and fuzzy?

Can I just say...

It's not necessarily a good idea to visit other pregnancy blogs when in the mood I'm in only to see their tiny bodies with a gut no bigger than mine and they're at 25+ weeks and I'm only at 18!